


The Shoe Box

by Tiz_DeVille



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Malec-centric, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Past Sexual Abuse, Self-Harm, may be triggering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-05
Updated: 2017-06-03
Packaged: 2018-04-30 03:28:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 29,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5148590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiz_DeVille/pseuds/Tiz_DeVille
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While trying to move on with their lives the Lightwoods are forced to face their demons head on. For Alec however he chooses to keep running from his demons. All the while Magnus Bane tries to figure out the mysterious new student that is Alec Lightwood.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Moving In

**Author's Note:**

> AN: Hello, I started this story a long time ago and lost reason to write. But I have reason again, and I will finish this time. So I've gone back and edited past chapters, and changed a few things. So past readers you probably want to re-read those chapters, new readers Welcome and thank you for reading my story.  
> WARNINGS: Trigger warnings, this is not a happy story. This story includes depression, and self-harm, if that triggers you please please don't read this.  
> Also if there if anyone out there that needs someone to talk to, PM me. I'm always ready to listen to you and offer some advice. Or if you just need a friend, I'm really friendly. :)  
> Tumblr; musics-lifes-record  
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Exhaustion, that's what Alec felt as he fell on top of his bed. It wasn't because he had just spent hours unpacking his things for his new home or driven for endless hours, or even because he hadn't had a good night’s rest in a week. No, it was because he was exhausted with his mask that he gave to everyone around him. The mask of the perfect son. The straight "A" son that does not get into trouble, which speaks properly, that protects his family. He was tired of it all; all Alec wanted to do was curl up into a ball and let life pass him by.

But Alec wasn't that fortunate, life had already smacked that in his face. Alec knew life wouldn't give him a break, he had tried to accept that but he just couldn't. No matter how hard he tried, he always wondered why had all this happened to him. What had he ever done? He had tried to be a perfect son, and make his strict parents proud of him. Alec hadn't asked to be born this way, and he would change it in a heartbeat if only he could.

While Alec was in the middle of his thoughts his bedroom door open to revel Izzy with an annoyed look across her face. Her long black hair was in a messy ponytail, and she was barely wearing any makeup. Alec looked at his baby sister, she had changed so much. He knew that tomorrow at school she would make it known she was the kind of girl who has flings, lots of them, and doesn't date at all. Alec sighed, because he knew he was losing his sister, and he would do anything to change that. When Izzy was younger, she would be open, and fun. The old Izzy would always come running over to Alec to talk about fashion, or as much as it annoyed Alec, her boy issues. Alec was her shoulder to cry on when someone had hurt her. But things changed, Izzy had grown up. Izzy was distant to Alec, and often got the cold shoulder from her sister. And Alec knew it was because she blamed him, but he blamed himself too.

"Dinner." Was all she said, and then left Alec alone.

Slowly Alec got up from his bed, and walked down the hall of his new "Home". 'This is never going to be home,' Alec thought to himself as he pulls his hood over his head. Alec rounded a corner and went down some stairs, eventually he found himself in the dining room. Only Jace and Izzy were at the table, Maryse and Robert were probably still working. Alec pulled out a chair across from Jace, and next to Izzy, and sat down. Alec looked down at his plate, letting his black hair fall across his eyes, and not daring to look across to his adopted brother. Slowly, the three siblings got food for them, and ate in silence. It wasn't always like this; Alec began to think of when he and his siblings would talk during their meals. Jace would throw jokes around at Alec, Izzy would talk about shoes and boys, and Max would be telling them to be quiet so he could read his comic book.

Max...

"Hey Alec?" Jace said loudly, snapping Alec out the darker corners of his mind.

"Hm?" Alec asked looking at his brother.

 

"You ok over there?" Jace asked concerned, grabbing Izzy's attention. "You had this weird look on your face."

"I'm fine." Alec lied, he was far from fine and he hadn't been fine in months.

"Fine don't tell, me see if I care." Jace said, suddenly angry and left the table.

After hearing Jace stomp up the stairs and slam his door, Alec got up to clean the table. He put away his dishes and left some food out in-case Jace got hungry after not haven eaten much before stomping himself up to his room. Alec couldn't blame Jace for being mad at him though. For as long as they knew each Alec and Jace would tell each other everything about each other, they were as close as real brothers. But ever since the accident a few months ago, they had closed each other out, and whenever Jace tried to get close Alec would push him away.

After cleaning up Alec slowly drudged his way up the stairs to his new room. Alec instantly fell into a deep fitful sleep and he lay on his bed.

* * *

 

_All he could hear was a girl crying. "Hello?" He called out and walked toward the sound._

_Izzy lay on the ground hands over her eyes, sobbing. She was a mess; Izzy never broke down because she was strong. Izzy was Alec's tough fighting baby sister. Alec walked over to comfort his sister; he couldn't let her be in pain. Alec had to help his sister; he had to protect his family._

_As he got closer something, or, someone pushed Alec to the ground. Jace. Jace was glaring at him a fire in his eyes, and disgust? Jace had never looked at him like that, ever. Sure the brothers had their fights, what brothers didn't fight, but never had Jace glared hated toward Alec. No matter how mad he was. "_

_Wha-?" Alec could barely speak, his brother's hatred over powering him._

_"Do not come near us, do you hear that?!" Jace yelled at him. Alec looked dumbfounded at his adopted brother. Had Jace just yelled at him to go away? What was wrong with him?_

_Alec shook his head telling Jace, 'No, I do not understand'. "_

_God, you are just so stupid, you know." Jace laughed. He laughed at him. "You think I'm just going to let you near Izzy, after what you did to Max? Do you not get it? You killed our brother! It's all your fault! So did you really think I would let you near Izzy? No, I am going to protect this family, now you have failed us. Failed Max." Jace said every word with pure hate. Venom dripped from his words, and it destroyed Alec heart._

_Was that what his brother thought of him? Did he truly believe it was his fault Max had died? No, he believed he had killed Max. That didn't compare to blaming him for his little brother. How could Alec kill his sweet innocent baby brother? How could Jace think that he even could? Alec then felt something wet dripping down his face. Reaching a hand to touch it, Alec found he was crying._

_"Oh look, the murderer weeps. Why because of your disgusting unrequited love for me? What do you think I didn't know? You disgusting fa-" Before Alec let Jace finish his sentence, he took off running._

_Away, away, away. Faster, faster, faster. No matter how fast Alec ran, it didn't go away. His guilt for his baby brother. His stupid love for his other brother. Alec just wanted it to go away, but no matter how fast he ran, it never would..._

* * *

 

Alec woke up in a cold sweat. He had nightmares before, but not ones like that. That was a whole new level of bad. And it got Alec thinking, 'Did Jace really think that of me?' Alec asked himself, 'Does Jace really blame me?'

Then something else hit him, and his breath was stolen from him. Did Jace know? He couldn't, Alec had always been so careful. Except Izzy found out, could Jace have as well?

Slowly with the thoughts still in his mind, Alec got out of his bed. Walking downstairs he heard people eating breakfast. Four people. Alec gulped, his parents were home.

Slowly Alec walked in the room to get food. Lucky for him his parents were distracted by the newspaper.

After a few minutes of silent eating, Robert cleared his throat. "Maryse look at this. It's another one of those gay pride parades."

"How revolting. Do those freaks not know how unwanted they are?" Maryse said with a disgusted look on her face.

Her comments had earned the glares of her two youngest children, while her oldest was staring down at his lap. 'Freaks' 'unwanted'. Was that what homosexuals were to her? If she knew what Alec was, would she still think like that?

"Alec? Darling what do you think? You seem to be thinking hard about it." Maryse asked her eldest son.

Alec gulped, what was he to say? 'Hey mom, dad I like dick.' That would obviously get him kicked out, deservingly. No he should just say what he should, the right thing. "What those fags? They should be on a different planet. I mean it's disgusting that we have to breath the same air as them." Alec said with a laugh that didn't sound at all like himself. Had he really just said all of those things? He had to, right? His parents wanted him to... Suddenly there was a loud sound of someone rushing furiously from the table, Izzy.

Alec looked puzzled at her now vacant chair. Why had she just reacted like that? It's not like Izzy could have been offended. Right? Alec looked over to Jace, whom was giving him a sad and disappointed look. Why? What did golden boy Jace know? The rest of the meal was in silence, Mr. and Mrs. Lightwood to engross in the morning paper to care for their children. Eventually Jace got up and left, giving Alec a look he couldn't describe before rushing up to his room. Giving a last look to his absent parents Alec cleaned up the dishes and went to his new room.

Although his room was still mostly bear, it screamed 'Alec'. The walls were a dark brown and he only had few things in his room. It was all he needed. Slowly Alec reached into one of the unpacked boxes on his floor. After a few minutes of searching he found what he was looking for... It was a black and brown Converse All Star shoebox, filled with his secrets.

Had his mother really meant that? His father as well? Do they really think that being gay is ... Disgusting? ' _Of course you loser_.' A voice spoke in Alec's head that sounded so much like Jace. ' _Do you really think it natural for oh say a man to love another man? The thought alone makes me want to gag'_ the voice yelled, and then it laughed at Alec for being so stupid. And for being so disgusting. Slowly Alec opened the shoebox.

Everything was just as he left it. His collection had grown over the last year. Really he never thought he would get to the point where he could choose between big, small, clean, or dirty. That wasn't how it was when all this had started. But that was then and this is now. Now he had a messy box filled with all the razors he'd accumulated over the year. Now he had band aides, gauze and toilet paper to clean up after himself. Now he had matches and metal. He had it all, and he really didn't give a fuck.

Alec took out the razor and looked at his closet door mirror. He disgusted himself. 'Yes, you are sooo disgusting.' The voice spoke to him its words teasing him. Alec rushed to go lock his bedroom door; Izzy or Jace couldn't see this. _'Like they would care about you, you disgusting freak!_ '

"Shut up." Alec spoke to himself. "Shut up, shut up!" He quieted down after the first cut to his arm, engrossed in the blood pooling out of it. He kept at it; never feeling like it was enough, needing more and more. It felt too good not to, it comforted him. The world around him was quiet, and he took in the momentary silence. All too soon he realized he had to stop, or he would get dizzy. He cleaned up, applying cream to stop infection and sticking gauze on his arm. Throwing a sweatshirt over him to cover the mess up he lay on his bed. What he did was considered wrong, but Alec didn't care. His razors were the only ones there for him. His skin was messed up enough without them, so it didn't matter what he did to it anyway. Besides his blades were the only ones that really knew what happened to Max.


	2. A Meeting

Alec was disturbed the next morning by a buzzing sound, meshed with a beep. A buzzing beep sound his half-awake mind deemed it. He really didn't want to wake up even it meant losing the bathroom to Jace. Though he knew that if he went back to sleep he would be woken up by a nightmare, or worse Izzy.

Alec slumped out of bed and dragged his body over towards his closet to grab some clothes. Regretting getting out of bed with grabbing a warm blanket to protect him.

Alec quietly left his room and walked over to the bathroom he shared with Jace. Lucky for him Jace wouldn't be up for another half an hour because it was only five in the morning. As Alec shed his clothes off and he put on a towel, hating what had been underneath the clothes. Then Alec reached inside of the shower turning it on to his desired temperature.

While he waited for the shower to heat Alec looked at himself in the mirror. He had changed so much over the past year. How could so much happen in only a year? Alec's arms had cuts all over it, it was mostly lines but he had carved some words into his skin. And those were not there a year ago. But that wasn't what bugged Alec. What Alec was really staring at were the burn marks across his lanky, pale torso.

Alec looked at the boy staring back at him, and didn't like what looked back at him. Alec had never really been one for looks; all of those genes had gone to Izzy. He had this awfully messy black rag of hair on his head. And although most people said he had amazing blue eyes, Alec couldn't see it. Not to mention he was too tall, at 6 1" he was taller than most other people. Sighing Alec turned away from his horrible reflection and turned to the shower, noticing some steam.

Feeling the water was hot enough for him. So he slipped his towel off, and stepped inside of the hot shower. The water burnt his naked skin and fresh marks at first, but he quickly adapted to its steaming hot temperature. As the water hit Alec newly formed cut from yesterday it continued to sting, but Alec didn't care. He knew that he deserved all of this pain. It was all of his fault. Everything that had gone wrong was all on him. As Alec put the shampoo in his hair, he noticed he was crying. "No," He told himself, "you're so pitiful you don't deserve to even cry. All this was you. You could have stopped it." Alec said to himself. What was he now a madman? Talking to himself, yup Alec was defiantly mad.

After washing himself he got out of the shower. It wasn't really that long of a shower, Alec didn't see the point in staying in showers for an eternity. After drying himself with his towel (making sure he didn't grab Jace's towel), he threw on his clothes. It wasn't anything special, just some oversized jeans, a brown hoodie that was probably once black. And of course black socks with a hole on his left big toe, just his luck.

Alec crept back into his bedroom and just laid down on his bed. Drifting into his own mind...

* * *

"God! Alec if you don't get out of your room and come down here I swear we will leave without you!" A girl's voice yelled through Alec's door.

Was it already time for Alec to go to school? Damn, Alec really didn't want to start senior year, and at a new school no less. He wasn't up set about leaving friends behind from his old school, because he didn't have any. He couldn't get to close to any guys because what if they found out? And getting close with only girls, obvious much?

"Alec!" Izzy yelled again, this time she sounded a little... concerned?

Grabbing his backpack with all his school supplies, Alec headed out of his room. "Come on then." He said to Izzy as he walked in front of her.

He noticed she was wearing short shorts and a red V-neck that didn't quite reach her jeans, showing off some skin. Alec was going to tell her not to wear that, but he knew better than to questions Izzy when it came to her clothes.

When they got down stairs and out of their house Alec saw Jace in front of his Jeep. Jace was leaning against the gray Jeep, the sun shining on to his golden hair, his Hollister top hugging his abs perfectly.

'No,' Alec thought to himself 'He's your brother.' Looking away from Jace and at his feet he reached the car.

"Anyone else want to drive? I'm feeling too lazy." Jace complained in his usual tone.

"As if." Izzy said, and then held her nails up. "I can't even risk ruining these perfect nails." Izzy said as she hopped into the passenger seat.

"How about you Alec? Wanna drive?" Jace carelessly asked. "Jace!" Izzy hissed at him from inside the Jeep. "Wha-?" Jace began to question Izzy, then looked at Alec seeing what he did.

Alec was looking wide-eyed at Jace, tears threatening to fall out of his eyes shocked. Alec could hardly believe Jace had asked that. He should know by now that Alec hated cars. "Oh, Alec man I'm sorry." Jace began to apologize, but Alec cut him short. "It's okay, even the golden boy Jace makes mistakes." Alec said, with a smile on his face. Even if it wasn't a real smile, Jace couldn't feel bad about Alec's pain. That was only Alec's job, he couldn't keep burdening Jace.

"You sure man?" Jace asked not believing Alec completely.

"Come on, you trust me right?" Alec asked while Jace nodded in reply, "I. Am. Fine." Alec stated slowly, making sure his point got across.

"If you say so." Jace responded. And without another word the brothers got in the Jeep, and drove of to their first day at Idris High School.

* * *

 

When Jace pulled into the school, Alec noticed how many people were staring at them. It only got worse when they left the car. Everyone was staring at the new kids, and it didn't help that Izzy and Jace were gorgeous, while Alec was hideous.

Idris High was unlike any school the Lightwoods had ever seen. It was much bigger than there last school. It was a brick building with three stories; it had all kinds of tables out front. Also there were properly big trees for shade, and a patio like space around the main entrance.

"Nice place huh?" Jace asked. "

You mean there are lots of hot girls right?" Izzy asked, quick to fire back.

"What's the difference? Besides there are enough for Alec to finally get laid." Jace said.

Alec winced, something Izzy looked at. Alec felt guilty that he hadn't told his brother, and it hurt him every time Jace tried to set him up with a girl. Sighing Alec shrugged his shoulders to give Jace a response, not that he noticed. As the Lightwood children continued to move in to the school Alec kept looking around at his new school. His new personal Hellhole. Then that was when he saw it, or rather when Alec first laid eyes on him.

There was a student talking to a beautiful blonde girl, but the blonde wasn't what grabbed Alec's attention, it was the man talking to her. He was tall, taller than Alec; his black hair was spiked up, with glitter in it. The man was wearing tight purple skinny jeans that hugged him in all the right places. He had a tight black top on that said in yellow "Om Nom Nom". Alec found that rather funny and incredibly cute. And to top it off his skin had the perfect natural tan.

Alec loved his new school; it was no longer a hellhole. Alec didn't notice till looking again, but the man was looking back at him. Alec's eyes looked onto his and his face instantly burned up. "No, no, no, Alec," Jace said after seeing what he thought Alec was looking at. "That fine one defiantly not in your league. You're going to have to start smaller if you ever want to get laid."

Shocked Alec looked at him, did he know? Damn it! Alec never should have checked "On Nom Nom" shirt guy out! Plus he had noticed, and was probably completely disgusted right now. Rightfully, and Alec wouldn't blame him if he was. Shaking his head he focused back on Jace, "Look I can explain..." Alec tried to say but Jace just cut him off.

"Alec you're too inexperienced. You should start smaller, like an A or B cup. Defiantly not that Double D blonde beauty." Jace said. He didn't know, Alec was safe. For now, the voice in his head told him.

* * *

 

Alec looked at his schedule for the next semester. He had calculus first with a Mr. Burger? The man's name couldn't be Mr. Burger that had to be a mistake. But Alec was too new to know better so following his map he found his room 2H211. It was on the second floor and it had a nice view of the forest to the side of the school.

Alec sat down at the back corner window seat and gazed out the window. Who was that man back there? Alec wanted to know, because for the first time since... well ever his breath had been taken away by a glance. Not even Jace had done that to him.

As class went by he noticed that little work had gotten done, it was just an hour of the teacher getting distracted with stories and random facts. Finally the bell rang, Alec looked at his schedule. He had AP German in room 3J323.

'Great German...' Alec sarcastically said in his head remembering how bad his teacher was last year.

* * *

 

German wasn't even half as bad as Calc; at least the teacher stayed on task and knew how to joke. Not that the jokes were funny, but it's that thought that counts? Any way Alec was on his way to AP Bio. In room 3SS317. Alec was confused about how this class number system even worked. All off the numbers seemed so random.

Alec walked into his AP Biology class and took a back seat by the window. Suddenly someone with glittery and spiky black was sitting in front of him. 'No,' Alec thought, no pleaded to himself 'this cannot be happening!?’

To make things worse, the mystery man turned around. Then that was when Alec got a look at him, a really good like. His face was perfect, right down to his perfectly plucked eyebrows. And those eyes, was it possible? How did they hold so much colour and depth? They were a deep gold colour, which shouldn't be possible and they didn't look like contacts.

"You were the one checking me out earlier." He boldly stated. "Right, Mr. Blue eyes?"

Alec was now terrified, had someone heard? Taking a quick glance around Alec looked back at the man and said, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Sure you don't." The green-eyed wonder said, then winked at Alec.

Alec was in shock, probably for the rest of class. Did that man just flirt with him? Openly flirt with him? How? They were both men, dudes, males, people with dicks. Okay that last one doesn't count a dick doesn't make you a dude. But still, Alec was in disbelief and at the same time amazed. He was amazed at the confidence of the man in front of him. If only he was like that...

When the bell rang it snapped Alec out of his thoughts of the man. Damn, he hadn't payed attention to class, hopefully he hadn't missed anything. As he got up he noticed the man with confidence was gone. Alec reached to pick his binders up, and saw a piece of paper.

It said,

_Give me a call blue eyes ;)_

_1-702-555-0103_

_-Magnus Bane._


	3. The Phone Number

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Here it is, the "long awaited" chapter three! I am really sorry for how long it took to get up here. I am really self conscious of my writing. .  
> If ANY ONE ever needs someone to talk to, I am ALWAYS here. :)  
> Warnings: Swearing. TRIGGER WARNINGS  
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
> Enjoy.

Alec placed the paper with the glittered writing into his assignment notebook, his face matching the red decorating the schools halls. He couldn't believe that had just happened to him, Alec Lightwood, the nobody. No one, girl or boy, had ever taken that kind of interest in him. No one ever spared him a second glance, and that was if he was lucky enough to get a first glance.

To think that someone could give him their phone number, that could never happen. Yet it did, and Alec was forcing himself to keep a smile off his face. That was something else that was unusual, Alec never smiled not unless his was forcing it for his parents image of him or for his siblings. Alec never smiled a real smile, one that not even by forcefully pushing the muscles down could it be stopped. And right now Alec was struggling not to smile; he had to will himself to think of things that would stop this smile.

 _'Why are you smiling? You can't actually think he took a real interest in you, do you?'_ The voice told him, reminding him of reality.

He shook his head, any trace of a smile gone. He headed to his next class, English IV. Walking in, just as the bell rang, he say in the seat closest to the door, avoiding the stares he was getting from the other kids. This is why he hated new schools, it didn't matter if it was the first day for everyone, and everyone could always spot the new kid, the outsider. He placed his arms and head on his binders as he half listened to the teacher. She was explaining the books they would read, the papers they'd write, and all off the rules. It was the same as every other class just different materials, same phone different case.

He was startled out of his trance when papers hit his face randomly.

"Oops." A voice said from in front of him, though it didn't said like they had meant it.

Alec looked up and was surprised to see it was the blonde from earlier. She had turned around not really giving Alec a second thought. That was good that was normal, that's how it should be people ignored Alec and that is what he needed.

He put the paper that had hit him in his face inside of his red binder and continued to zone out.

It was 6th period, and for Alec that had meant lunch, or lack of. He followed hat crowd into the cafeteria, staying behind with his headphones in. He stuck to the walls, finding himself a comfortable enough spot on the window ledge he stayed there.

He wondered how Izzy and Jace were doing. Unlike him they were probably the new stars of the school. They probably had people gazing in them in admiration, lust, and envy. They always made an entrance, and no one could ever forget them. Jace, being the literal golden boy, must have already gotten himself a girlfriend (or two). Izzy would have already had men scrubbing the floors so she wouldn't have to step anywhere unworthy of her grace.

Alec took his phone out and wished he were alone in his room. He couldn't be in a room with this many people. He felt as though they were staring at him, dissecting him. Like they could see right through him, and they would use it against him, they always did.

He scrolled through the "artist" section till he reached the "O"'s and hit "Of Mice and Men". He sank into the window sill and just let Austin's voice fill his thoughts.  
The rest of Alec's day past slower than he liked, he just wanted to lock himself inside of his room. He was glad that gym wasn't a required class, he couldn't even think about the changing rooms. Naked men, muscles glistening from sweat the showers…

He had to shake his head away from those wrong thoughts. Instead he'd opted for a study hall, and its wasn't as good as he'd hoped. Apparently study hall was a student favorite so the detention room was used as a class. A hundred kids in one class, Alec had to hide himself in the corner, and struggled not to look and see if anyone had noticed what a freak he was.

Other than that the day hadn't been too much of a struggle, other than the glittery piece of paper in his assignment notebook. All day it had felt like a weight had been attached to it, and he was carrying more than he should have to.

When Alec exited the building he went to the parking spot Jace had parked in earlier that day. Luck was one his side because they hadn't left without him, it had happened more often than Alec like to admit to himself.

He leaned against the passenger door of the Jeep, waiting for the younger Lightwoods. He closed his eyes and turned up the music, it was too awkward just waiting by the door. It looked like he had been ditched, which at this point could have been true, and people could be staring at him.

Something yanked the headphones out of Alec's ears and made him jump back in surprise. Looking up he saw and amused Izzy.

"Jesus Alec, you know you're going to go deaf with that music." She said as she hopped into the back of the car.

Alec followed her into to death square and looked at a bored Jace who had already started the car. Huh, maybe his music was a little loud if he couldn't hear the engine starting.

"You two ready? Or can I take a nap while you get a comfy?" Jace asked, sarcasm leaking from his voice like normal.

"Oh hush," Izzy said, "Just go already."

Alec nodded when Jace looked at him.

Without another sarcastic retort Jace started the car and took off for their new house. The car ride was silent, Izzy was texting, Jace was strangely focused on driving, and Alec looked out the window forcing his uneasiness away. When they got the house Alec helped his sister out before he rushed to his room.

When he got into his room he threw his backpack to the floor, and felt like a weight had been lifted off of him. He sat on his bed and placed is head into his hands. He felt like he was going to be sick, it was a miracle he hadn't already.

School was worse than he thought it was going to be. He was fine with not seeing Izzy or Jace all day; they could take care of themselves. Knowing no one wasn't a problem, he preferred to be lonely, and it's easier to suffer when there aren't people around to notice. The course work wasn't a problem, and it probably wouldn't be in the future, he was after all an OK student.

It didn't have anything to do with that. All it was just one slip of paper, a few glittered numbers, and one amazing human being.

Alec turned his head and glanced at his backpack, dare he go into it? Could he possibly open the bag only to grab homework (on the first day even) without grabbing his assignment notebook? If he did grab it he would open to the only page with lose leaf paper neatly folded inside. He would take care in unfolding that piece of paper, making sure no damage came to it. Then he would stare at the numbers and letters, tracing them with his eyes, memorizing the way they curved and bent. He would dare himself to pick his phone up, and ignoring the consequences call the number.

Alec let himself day dream, just think about all of the ways the phone call could go. Rejection, embarrassment, or acceptance? He thought about the best ways it could go, but then he thought about the worst. Like he would be on speaker without knowing, and people would laugh at him. Or he would tell Alec that he placed the paper on the wrong desk, and he was pathetic for think he would ever show an interest in someone like Alec.

When he had enough negative thoughts in his head, Alec opened his bag, grabbed his work, and ignored his assignment notebook. He worked on his bare desk he had set up the other day. He forged his way through the nightly assignments, scribbling the answers down before shoving them back into his bag.

Alec left the solitary of his room and went down stairs to the kitchen. Looking at the calendar he saw what dinner was and took the ingredients out. He set the oven to "broil" so it could heat up. He put the raw chicken on the pan and left it there as the oven heated up. He skinned some potatoes and places them in a bowl with water just covering them. After he put the potatoes on the stove-top and set them to cook, he put the chicken breasts in the oven and hit the timer to 20 minutes.

Cooking was what Alec did for his family, he had to do all he could to help his family. After all he had done he needed to be the one to help in any way he could, with the exception of driving.

He wandered the house, cleaning up some boxes left from the move, organizing pictures around the tables, and watering some flowers. He made sure the house looked new and prefect, but not as if it had just been moved into.

When he heard the beep of the ovens time he took the chicken and finished preparing it. The potatoes were done, and he had made some peas. When all over the plates had been finished and Robert and Maryse's were in the microwave he called Izzy and Jace down to eat.

When his siblings had started there meal, smiles on their faces, Alec took a granola bar and went to his room. He gazed around and finished taking things out of boxes and places them where they should be. Mostly his only possessions were books; he didn't really have any pictures or trophies.

Eventually he went down again to clear up Jace and Izzy's messes. Then drifted back up the stairs, making sure his siblings were happy first.

He knocked on Izzy's door first.

"Come in." She said.

Alec did as she said, making himself smile at her as he asked, "Do you need anything?"

Izzy looked at him for a second as if he were a book, "Yeah," she started slowly, "I need you to tell me how your first day went." She demanded, smiling at her blood brother.

"It was alright," He lied, "just a bunch of boring classes; I honestly wasn't paying attention most of the day." He added truthfully.

"Really?" Izzy asked a smirk on her lips. "That wouldn't have anything to do with that man you were staring at when we entered the building?" She said, raising her sharp eyebrows suggestively.

Alec's face heated up at the mention of Magnus, of course she noticed that. "W-what? No it d-doesn't." He said.

"Liar, liar, pants on fire!" She teased.

"Izzy!" He whined, "Do you have to? It's not like I have a chance with him."

She raised an eyebrow at him, "Really? You didn't see it then?"

Alec just looked at her like she had an extra nose.

"He totally checked you out!" Izzy exclaimed.

"Sh!" Alec exclaimed, scared Jace would hear her. "Izzy, you're insane. There is no way anyone checked me out, especially not Magnus."

Her whole face lit up light Halloween, "Magnus? Magnus? Oh Alec, however do you know his name."  
Shit.

"I-I don't. I-I-I mean-n it was a guess?" She wasn't buying it, so Alec turned to plan B, "I-I'm gonna see it J-jace needs me, Bye!" She exclaimed, slamming the door before Izzy cold embarrasses him even more.

His heart was racing, and he placed a hand to his heart. He was still blushing like he had blood smeared across his face. Had Magnus really checked him out? Would Izzy lie about something like that? If she wasn't, did that mean Magnus really wanted him to call him?

 _'Ha, you're insane freak-boy! As if someone like that would be interested in you. Izzy's lying to you; it's not the first time.'_ The voice in Alec's head advised him.  
It was right and Alec knew it. The voice had never lied to him, and it never would.

Alec walked over to Jace's door and knocked on it. He waited a few seconds until he heard a breathless,  
"What?"

What was Jace doing in there to make him so out of breath? It sounded like he was panting could he be-  
"I said 'what?'. Do you need me to say it again in sign langue?" Jace said from the now open door. He was covered in sweat, oh, he was just working out.

"S-sorry, I was just wondering if you needed anything." Alec asked.

"Nah, I'm good. Thanks for the meal though. Your cooking is so, so much better than Izzys'."

Alec smiled at his brother, and nodded his head. "Ok, I'm going to bed. See you tomorrow then."

"K."

Alec heard Jace's door shut and he walked over to his own room and shut and locked his door. He turned to his backpack, glaring at it. He hated how that one thing inside of it was making him feel so conflicted. It was just paper, pen and glitter. How could useless object mean so much?

Alec opened the back and took the assignment notebook out of it. Opening it to the page with the loose leaf paper inside he took it out and put to book back. He looked at the folded paper for a minute, maybe more, and tried to decide what to do with it. Should he call it? He wouldn't lose anything thing when he got rejected. How could he hate himself even more than he already did? But if he didn't call he would be embarrassed, he could show his face to school.

Slowly he unfolded to paper and looked at the red glittered ink. It was just as he remembered it, perfect in every way he wasn't. He noted Magnus had elegant handwriting, not something most teenage boys had. It was like he even took special care in his words like he did with his hair, and outfits.

Alec walked around his room, trying to make up his mind. To call him or to not. Call him? Not?

Suddenly Alec was reminded of something, and his mind was made up. He knew this was the right answer, why couldn't he see it before.  
Alec walked over to his bookshelf; his phone was on it from when he was putting books away earlier. Alec took a deep breath; this was the right thing to do.  
Alec grabbed his favorite book, opened it to the bookmarked page and slipped the now folded note inside. He then grabbed his phone and plugged it in to charge.  
Confident in his choice Alec changed, popped his headphones in, and drifted off in to a troubled sleep.


	4. Chemistry in Biology

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Hello, I'm back so soon. Yay! I thought I would give you guys a gift and give you two chapters two days in a row. :)
> 
> WARNING MAJOR TRIGGER WARING! TRIGGER WARING! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
> 
> Also if you ever need to talk I am always here.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Enjoy ~ Tiz

Alec sighed as he ignored his siblings going off at each other. This was how a normal morning went, when the threat off a first day of school isn't looming over their heads. He could remember past arguments that had started off of something silly, either a comment to Izzys clothes leaving little to the imagination, or how Jace had so many products in his hair it should be considered a chemical weapon.

It didn't matter how the fights started, or why, Alec hated it when they fought. He hated fighting in general, he was no good at it, and the loud angry voices scared him. It was as if the voices in his head had come out and infected the ones he loved. Now they were infected all they could do around him, or each other, was fight, bicker, and glare at each other with a killing intent.

He closed his eyes and tried to think of something, anything, else. It was their second day of school and Alec already hated it. He supposed it was normal, most teenagers hated high school. But most teens weren't struggling with everything he was, were they?

When the car came to a halt, and the fighting took a pause, Alec opened his eyes and saw that they were at the hell hole already. With one last sigh he grabbed his back pack and exited the Jeep.

"Ugh I can't believe him!" Exclaimed pushing passed Alec as if he were non-existent.

Alec looked sadly at his baby sister as she walked away from him. He wished things could go back to how they used to be, when Izzy would talk to him. Even If it was just about how Jace always managed to piss her off.

When Alec got to his locker he shoved all his unneeded items in there. Making sure he had everything for the day, he walked down to first hour.

When the bell rang freeing them from second hour Alec's heart began to race. This was the time he had been dreading all day long. He was hoping he could skip third hour somehow, but he couldn't because it was an A.P. class.

He gathered his books and binders from his desk and stood up. As he exited the class and walked to his locker to grab his Biology book his arms began to shake. It took three tries to hit the right numbers into his locker's lock pad.

The door was an ugly colour of brown, and Alec felt like he was going to vomit. Maybe he would vomit and he could miss class. But how could that humiliation be worse than the one waiting behind the ugly brown door?

"You know just staring at it won't make it open." A voice said from behind him smoothly.

Alec jumped and looked up at the person who had crept up behind him, and blushed.

It was him, Magnus Bane, shit. Shit, Shit, Shit!

"Um, y-yeah." Alec stuttered. In a desperate escape to get away he actually entered the room.

He could hear laughter behind him; it was the most handsome laughter he'd ever heard. Could laughter even be handsome? Maybe it was because Magnus was the perfect handsome, in every way.

Slipping into his seat, Alec looked right down at his desk. He tried to make it obvious he didn't want to have any human contact with any one, ever. He wished there could be a sign above his head that read, _'Leave the freak alone'_.

"So, I never did catch your name blue eyes." The voice of Magnus made Alec's body shake.

Looking up, face completely red, Alec gazed at the man in front of him and tried not to make a bigger idiot of himself.

"Alexander!" He blurted out, realizing his mistake too late. "I-I mean A-Alec. My n-names Alec." He said sinking into himself.

Magnus raised an eye brow at him in amusement. A perfect eyebrow that should be framed and put in Musee D'orsay, Alec thought to himself guilt fully.

"Really? Alec?" Magnus asked, "Hm, well I think I prefer the name Alexander better." Magnus said, smiling playfully at Alec. Alec shivered when he thought about the meaning behind that playful smile.

He nodded at Magnus's choice, not speaking up against him. The truth was Alec wasn't found of his real name, even if the way Magnus said sent his heart off a cliff. He only ever heard 'Alexander when his mother or father were mad at him, or often disapproved in his actions.

"Alright class, enough chit chat!" The teacher said to his hyperactive class.

Alec was relieved when Magnus turned around. He didn't think he could take the pressure of Magnus's intense stare anymore. It was like Magnus was a magnificent mountain above Alec, pressuring him as if he'd suddenly turn into something else.

Another reason for his relief was that Magnus wasn't his name perfect, hadn't even mentioned the fact that Alec hadn't called him. Maybe it was a mistake after all, Magnus must have meant to give the paper to someone else. Quickly he thought if he should mention that the paper didn't make it to its intended recipient, then realized the two major faults in that plan.

One being that it would mean more talking and embarrassment than Alec could handle. In fact the earlier conversation had maxed his weekly embarrassment limit. Those thoughts he had about Magnus, they were just so wrong. How could he think about another human being in such, disturbing ways?

The other flaw in his plan would be that the crushing fact that Magnus hadn't meant to give the paper to him, would be confirmed. Alec knew logically there was no way someone so beautiful as Magnus could be interested in Alec. But that didn't stopping from hoping, so how could he throw away his last hope.

Trying to ignore his internal conflict, Alec attempted to pay attention to is biology teacher.

"… to see who can grow the biggest and healthiest radishes. So partner up, and get those noggins thinking on ideas."

Radishes? Partners? What had Alec missed in his over thinking? Looking around confused Alec saw people pairing themselves up and going to the lab tables. Oh no, they didn't actually need to work with someone else, did they?

"Be my partner?" A perfected voice asked.

Alec looked up, way up, and the tall slightly Asian God was smiling at him.

"Me?" Alec asked, pointing to himself like an idiot.

"Yes, now come one. I hope you were listening to Mr. Teacher, 'cause I sure wasn't" Magnus said.

"N-no I wasn't." Alec silently cursed his stutter, "I w-was spacing out." Alec looked down shamefully as he followed Magnus to an empty lab bench.

"Really? Now pray tell, what were you thinking about, Alexander?" Magnus asked, looking into Alec's eyes.

Alec blushed, Magnus could and would never know he was thinking about him. Maybe he could say he was thinking about home? No too many questions could be asked. Alec settled for a simple lie.

"N-nothing much."

"Really? No exciting adventures in Alexander-land?" Magnus teased.

Alec let a short giggle out at Magnus's joke, and looked back up at him.

"Now I am going to have to see more of that." Magnus said, his tone had suddenly changed to a demanding one.

"S-see what?" Asked Alec, trying, and failing, not to crack under the pressure of the golden gaze.

"That smile of yours, it certainly is something wonderful." Magnus said a playful smile bag on his lips.

Alec blushed and looked down, Magnus did not, could not, have just given him a compliment. 'Wonderful'? He was anything but. Alec was not wonder he was filth, he was layers a dirt and grime that could never have any wonder to them.

"So, why didn't you call me?" Magnus asked.

Alec panicked; he wasn't talking to him right? Looking up he saw Magnus staring at him, his golden eyes unreadable.

"…Uh." Alec couldn't think, let alone speak. So he was supposed to call Magnus? Had he upset him by not? Even if it was a prank should he have called anyway? That would have made Magnus happy. Why did he have to be so selfish, why could he just think about someone else for once?

Magnus pouted, "I'm a little insulted, normally people call me when I give out my number. I used my special glitter pen and everything."

No, no, no. He insulted him? He hadn't meant to, he thought Magnus had made a mistake. Though that is an insult. Because how could someone so perfect make a simple mistake like that?

Alec looked at him; his brow furrowed lips open his breath rapidly increasing. He tried to apologize, but he couldn't get any words out. He couldn't get enough air in to form the words to say how sorry he was. He had so much to apologize, and he couldn't say it. Why couldn't he say it?!

"Alexander?"

No, someone so perfect shouldn't dirty their lips by speaking his name. He needed to tell Magnus that too, but he just couldn't breathe. Where had the air gone? It was here a second ago? Air, air, where's the breathing stuff?

Alec looked around the room; he could take Magnus's gaze any longer. It was too intense, he needed to back away. Taking a step back Alec tripped on the teacher's foot who was walking past. He hit the ground and all of his remaining oxygen was gone. There was no air left on the planet for him to breath.

His back hurt, and he couldn't breathe. Someone's hand extended out to help him up. He couldn't see whose. Slapping it away, he crawled away from everything.

He was surrounded now; he could hear voices asking things. Everyone was staring weren't they? They couldn't stare at him, no, no. He can't handle that.

Alec had to get away, so he shot up and ran for the door. Ignoring shouts from behind him, he dizzily stumbled out of the classroom. He ran into a bathroom and looked it behind him. Falling to the ground Alec tried to breathe. But how could he? Everyone now knew how much of a freak he really was.

Alec reached into his torn jeans pocket and took out his phone. Hands shaking he popped the case off and took out his shiny savior.

Alec snuck out of the school after he cleaned himself up. He made sure there was no evidence of what he'd done, and left the bathroom.

He went to his locker and grabbed the work he'd gotten so far and just left. He couldn't be here anymore, ever. He'd ask his parents if he could transfer to a different school. One were they didn't think he was a complete freak.

He trusted Izzy and Jace would be fine in school without him. They never needed him; it was always the other way around.

Alec was thankful it was a warm September day when he snuck out of the building. He also was grateful he knew where his new house was. There was no way he could get a ride from Jace; he needed to be in his room locked away.

So Alec started his way back to the house. He's feet hurt, and he knew he was out of shape. But worst of all, Alec knew he had just blown his only chance with the boy of his dreams. When he did get home Alec rushed into his room jumped onto his bed, and like a teenage girl, cried into his pillow. He didn't hold it back. He let it all out, and wished he was never born.

All while still silently apologizing to Magnus, he'd never meant to insult the God.


	5. Bad Boys get Punished

_It was dark, the only light on the street was a lamp post far behind him. He could see his breath in the cool nights air. His muscled ached as he ran down the road. He didn't know why he was running only that he had to, there was no other option._

_The light behind him grew brighter, and changed from the yellow to orange. The orange light started to move, it became wild and untamed._

_He tripped, scraping his hands and knees, but that couldn't slow him down. He couldn't stop, they couldn't get him. He needed to get away._

_Why?_

_Blisters on his feet popped as his pain increased. No, no, no. They were going to get him. He was doomed._

_"Monster!"_

_"Murderer!"_

_Voices yelled from behind him. They were getting closer._

_Suddenly his body burn, and everything was bright. He couldn't understand what was happening to was bright and there was pain, a lot of pain. Fire._

_He was on fire._

* * *

 

Alec woke up screaming. tearing his covers away from him, and flying out of bed. Rolling on the floor as he tired to put the fire out, he was burning, and burning so hot.

"Put it out! Put it out!" He screamed.

He bumped into his chestier drawers, knocking the pictures on it onto the ground, the glass breaking on impact. His arms patting around him, he had to put the fire out. He was burning.

He could smell his skins burning and as it melted away.

Hands, other than his gripped around him. They tried to stop him from moving. What were they doing? He needed to put the fire out.

"Put it out! It burns!"He screamed, maybe they would understand.

"Alec!" Another voiced yelled as another pair of hands gripped on him, a sting pair of hands. "Alec, stop it. Your safe in your room." The voice explained. "Alec you're not on fire." The voice explained, devoid of any emotion. As if it had any it would be overwhelming and they wouldn't be able to control themselves if they let themselves feel.

"It burns." Alec tried to explained to the sets of hands.

"Alec," The second more shaky voice said, "Alec please, open your eyes."

So Alec did, and when he did all he saw was his so sibling Izzy and Jace. No fire, the room was dark illuminated only from the hall lights throw his open door.

"Alec?" Izzy asked.

"Iz... What?" Alec attempted to ask.

"You had a nightmare... And, well you wouldn't wake up." She said.

"I... I was..." Alec couldn't say it, but his siblings nodded in understanding.

"You alright now?" Jace asked.

Alec looked up at Jace, and saw a blip in Jace's seamless perfection. Alec had rattled Jace.

"Yeah... Sorry I woke you too up." Alec apologized.

"Alec... we weren't asleep." Izzy said.

"What? Why not, we have school tomorrow"

"Dude, its only Five." Jace explained.

"Oh."

"Jace, could you..." Izzy motioned to the door, silently pleading Jace to leave the ebony hair sibling alone.

"Hint taken." Jace said, annoyed and left slamming the door in an arrogant Jace like way.

"What?" Alec asked.

Izzy was silent for a long moment. It made Alec nervous, Izzy never wanted to talk especially after one of Alec nightmares. She knew what they were about, she knew Alec hated to talk about _it_.

"Alec, please, Alec just talk to me." She begged.

"About what?" He asked her, but they both knew the answer. It was the topic they always avoided, something that they would just hide away. The emotions behind it were always too much for the two emotionally stunted teenagers, so they would throw their feelings in a box and tuck it away in some dark place.

She sighed and said, "Well I guess lets start with where did you go today?"

"What do you mean I went to school and went home." He didn't lie about that. He did go to school, but after his panic attack and incident in the bathroom he walked to his new house. After that him continued his date with his silver friend, it lasted a bit longer than last time. After he cleaned up he went to bed, then had a nightmare.

"But you didn't drive home with us and you beat us home." Izzy said. Busted.

"I left early."

"Why, you don't break the rules. You're my big goody two shoes brother." She tried smiling, but it looked as though she was struggling to remember what a real smile looked like. Instead she shifted her face back into her normal look, guarded and closed off from the world.

"Well maybe I'm not anymore okay? Just leave me alone." Alec said bitterly.

Izzy bit her lip, as if stopping herself from saying something else. She gave Alec on last hurt look and walked out of his room, leaving him in the dark.

Alec stayed there for a while until the burning in his arm needed taming to. He ripped his sweatshirt off and saw that some glass had gone into his arm.

Oh well.

* * *

 

When Alec's alarm went off the next morning he was already awake, and ready to leave for school. After his nightmare he couldn't go bad to sleep. Every time he tried to close his eyes all he saw was fire and people chasing after him.

He had showered and cleaned up his arm for the third time that day, the glass was painful to get out and was deep enough to leave a scar. He tried to stitch it up himself but he was no doctor. He did shortly consider going to a free clinic to get it looked at, as he knew from past experience that even though he had gotten what he thought was all the glass out there could still be more. But then remembered that if they saw all his other scars they would call the police though hopefully not his parents, since if he was 18 years old.

He also discovered that his first aid supplies were running low, and soon he would have to go out and get some more. Something he always hates doing.

So he sat on his bed, waiting for his siblings to get up, and if they didn't he would wake them up, dreading school. He knew he'd would be called down to the office, he just hoped they wouldn't call his parents. If they called his parents he would be doomed.

Also he would have to face Magnus. How would he explain what happened yesterday? How would he apologize? Worse even, would Magnus even care?

There was a knock on his door from his sister telling him they were ready to go to school. The drive was silent, none of the siblings had seen each other after Alec's nightmare, fresh memories on their minds.

When they did arrive at school not a word was spoken between any of them, they all headed off to their own classes.

* * *

 

First hour was when it happened. The golden ticket telling him and the rest of the class he was in trouble. He could hear the "Oohs" of his classmates mocking him.

The piece of paper told him to immediately head down to the deans office, he was screwed. His teacher let him go, a disapproving look on her face. Of course she was upset, it was after all only his third day of school. He looked like a trouble maker too, with his baggy jeans and torn and faded hoodies. Alec was a mess, and he knew it more than anyone else.

When he walked into the deans office he showed the tired secretary his pass to hell and sat, and waited, and waited. For ten minted he sat there fearing the worst. Calling his parents, getting kicked out of school, having to wear a dunce cap, being pulled into lower level classes, his siblings being disappointed In him, them hating him. Though they already do, he believes.

"Alexander Lightwood." A deep voice calls out.

When he looked up he saw a clean shaven middle aged man with glasses looking down at him. His face was plain, his close were plain, and he stood there looking down at Alec waiting for him to get up ad follow him. Like a kicked puppy though Alec did.

They sat in his office, silent as the Dean looked over some papers. Alec squirmed in his seat.

"So I hear there was an incident in your biology class yesterday afternoon?"

"Yes Sir." Alec responded.

"Tell me Alexander, what happened."

Alec gulped. "I left sir."

"So I heard." The Dean said as he looked down at his papers, as if something important was on there. "But what happened? Students with your academic history don't just leave class because they don't like assignment."

Confused Alec looked up, "Academic history?" He whispered.

"Well you were a straight A student in your last school, always participating in extra credit and such. Here I have good reviews from your old teachers on how you were an active student. Now what you did yesterday is something someone who doesn't care about school would do. someone with bad grades, and bad reviews from teachers. Though I would like to say in the last months at your old school your grades did drop and your teachers were worried about you after your hospital visit."

Alec paled, he couldn't know could he? There was no way this stranger on a man could know the worst night of his life. He was doomed then, he would think he was a monster and expel him. Tell him he couldn't have horrible people like Alec at his school. No, no, no.

"W-what do you mean-n?" Alec tried to asked, he really tried, but he didn't want to know the answer. He just wanted to run far, far away.

The man looked at him sympathetically. He couldn't knew if he was looking at him like that, at least not what really happened that night.

"Alexander, you know what I mean. Last year you were involved in an accident that resulted in burns on your torso and a hospital visit that lasted over a month. And yes Alec, I know that the hospital visit was just for the scars on your torso."

Alec looked down, hands shaking and tears welling in his eyes. He hated that hospital, the sad smiles he got. The nurses that were nice to him, he diet deserve that. He knew he should have just been left for dead. He should have burned to death. Why did he have to be the one to live?

A hand was on his shoulder and he jumped, the dean was crouching next to him trying to comfort him.

"Look I am sorry for bringing up obviously painful memories, but we do need to discuss what happened yesterday."

Alec nodded as the Dean returned to his seat.

"So you were in Biology, and I take it you didn't leave because you don't like radishes?"

"No..." Alec said.

"So,what happened then?"

Alec took a deep breath and wondered if he told the truth if he would be in more trouble. Would this man get mad at him because Alec offended Magnus?

"I didn't want to be there sir." He lied.

The Dean sighed and looked at Alec, "Well then I guess there's nothing more we can do is there? You'll have detention tonight and tomorrow, just come here after the days done. Bring something to do, and I assume you can find a ride home?"

Alec nodded and put his head down. e was still wondering if the Dean was going to have to call his parents. He was still in danger if he did.

"You may go." The Dean looked down shaking his head.

"Thank you sir." Alec said.

"You know Alexander I do have a name, as I assume you have you prefer being called?" The Dean inquired.

"Yes sir, Alec sir."

Hmm." The man hummed, "Call me Hodge, I do hope we won't be seeing a lot of each other."


	6. Lunch Date

After his talk with Hodge Alec felt the day slowly creep by with his anxiety rising. He knew soon it would be time for biology and he would have to face Magnus.

He wondered if Magnus could ever forgive him, because secretly Alec really wanted to be friends with him. Maybe even more, but that was an impossible dream that would never happen.

Soon enough though, and much to Alec's discomfort, it was time for biology.

He had decided early in the day to get there before class and apologize to his teacher. He knew that just leaving a class like that was extremely rude, and he didn't want to have a bad relationship with any of his teachers. That would just make the classes even harder, and he needed to get high grades fr his parents.

When he entered the room he noted that he was the only one in the room. He supposed that was a good thing, it meant no one else would hear him apologize to a teacher and think he was a kiss ass. It had happened before.

"E-excuse me?" Alec asked Mr. Novak his biology teacher.

"Yes?" His teacher asked, without looking up from the papers he was grading.

"I would l-like to apologize for yesterday-y. It was rude and i-inexcusable for me to leave the classroom witho-out permission." Alec said.

This got his teacher to look up at him, confusion written on his face. Then he let out a short laugh and said, "I think you're the only student I've ever had to apologize about ditching."

"Oh."

"It's a nice change I suppose. Anyway its fine you'll just have to get the lab notes from your partner." Mr. Novak said, dismissing Alec and went back to grading papers.

Alec sat in his seat, students now filing into the class as the bell approached. He could feel his heart racing in his chest, each beat felt as though it was digging its way through his ribs. He began to sweat, and breathing became harder with each breath. He found he had to move, had to see all that was going on around him because that was the only way he could feel safe that no one would be heart if his heart suddenly did escape from his chest. 

Eventually Magnus strutted into the classroom, filling the air around him with confidence. His every step more graceful and seductive than the last. When Magnus spotted Alec his eyes widened and he smiled at him, it wasn't a suggestive smile more of a friendly one. Still Alec blushed and turned his attention to his desk.

The hour passed without a word between them, Alec trying his hardest, and failing just as much, to pay attention to the teacher. While half of his thoughts were filled with embarrassment and attraction to the man sitting in front of him, the rest of his thoughts were filled with anxiety and dread about the very same man.

When the bell to leave did ring Magnus got up, turned around to face Alec and asked "Can I talk to you?"

If Alec hadn't been looking at Magnus as the words left his mouth, he wouldn't have believed that Magnus spoke them. Up until this point Magnus had been all confident talking to Alec, now it was different. Now it seemed like Magnus was toning down the super (and well justified on Alec opinion) confidence, and had concern in his voice.

Magnus was concerned about Alec? _'Not possible, no one case about me.'_ He thought to himself.

Alec just nodded at Magnus, he couldn't trust himself to open his mouth.

Magnus smiled at him. "You have lunch after the next class too, right?"

Alec nodded.

"Meet me at the circle table outside, that's where I'll be, darling." Magnus left with a wink leaving alone in the classroom.

* * *

 

Lunch time came and Alec was incredibly nervous. He didn't know if Magnus was serious or not, and what if he just wanted to humiliate Alec?

When he did walk into the cafeteria he got a bottle of water then headed outside. He looked around and found what Magnus meant by the round table. It was a table under a tree, and as the wind blew the table sunlight would peak through and light up the beautiful people underneath it. It was truly a round table fit for a King and his Knights.

Magnus was there, along with a boy and a girl. The girl was the same one from his English class. The boy was the one from Magnus's locker that Alec saw on his first day.

Alec took a deep breath and walked up to the table that glowed with beautiful people.

He stood awkwardly trying to say some but stuttering horribly.

"M-M-Magnus?" He got out

Magnus turned around and smiled at Alec. Again, why was he smiling at him? Alec felt really self-conscious. Was Magnus making fun of him? Was there something on his face?

"Alec, glad you came. I was beginning to worry you wouldn't come." He smiled at him, and patted the bench. "Sit down. Don't you have any lunch to eat?"

Alec obeyed and sat, but shook his head. He didn't have any lunch, because he never at lunch. At least not anymore. Before, a year ago he could stuff himself more than Jace. They would have competition to see who could eat more, and Alec won. It was the one thing Alec could do better than Jace.

Now though Alec never really ate, and when he did it was nibbles here and there. He didn't have much of an appetite anymore.

Magnus eyed him curiously then said, "Alright, have it your way."

Alec looked down and blushed.

"So are you going to introduce us Magus, or are we going to have to keep guessing who emo boy is?" A voice said from across the table. And Alec detected a hint of sarcasm in the male voice.

"Yes, Alec that is Ragnor. " Magnus pointed to the attractive male across from him, though not as attractive as Magnus. "And that is Camille." Magnus pointed to the blonde from his English class, she was currently looking at herself in a compact mirror. Fixing whatever imperfections she didn't have.

"Camille, Ragnor, this is Alec we're biology lab partners." Magnus said, then smiled and winked at Alec, causing him to again blush.

"So that's what you're calling it now." Ragnor mumbled, and Magnus glared at him.

Magnus coughed to clear his throat and said, "Alec, why don't we go somewhere a little more private."

"Okay."

They got up and left but not without Ragnor calling out to them, "Have fun kids! Be safe!"

Alec blushed at what he was implying and tried his best not to think about it, while Magnus rolled his eyes.

Magnus took them to a set of trees on the perimeter of the school. It was on the other side of the building from where they ate lunch, so they had enough privacy. 'But for what?' Alec kept thinking. It made his heart race, and he could tell if it was a good or bad thing. What was Magnus going to do? He didn't look like he was playing some prank, but what if he was just that good at lying?

Alec's breath started to quicken, he was losing focus. All he could think about was what Magnus could do to hurt him.

"Alec? Alec! Hey!" A voice called him. Sounded like someone who cared.

But Alec couldn't really hear the voice, he was trapped in his thoughts. Magnus was tricking him, Magnus was going to hurt him. But how could he think something like that. He can't think badly of Magnus, Magnus can't do wrong.

Suddenly there was a pair of arms around him, and a calming voice saying, "You're safe, you're fine. No one's going to hurt you. OK? Alexander?" One hand began to stroke Alec's hair, and the calming voice just reassured Alec that he was safe.

Eventually Alec got his breath back, his heart was still racing though not as fast. He became aware of his surrounding's again. And that's when he saw who was comforting him

Magnus was holding him, gently, and slowly swaying Alec. Magnus was still telling Alec he was going to be okay, and for a second. Alec believed him.

* * *

"I'm s-sorry about that…" Alec tried to apologize.

"Alec, I've told you already it's fine. " Magnus smiled. "Actually that's kind of why I wanted to talk to you."

Alec looked at him in question.

"Well the other day, you did the same thing in biology and ran away."

"Oh, w-well…" Alec tried to explain. Alec wanted to tell Magnus everything. But he couldn't. He couldn't tell him why he had a panic attack the other day.

"It's okay, you don't have to say anything you don't want to. I get it, you know? We barely know each other." Magnus said, then smiled. "So i say we get to know each other Mr. Lightwood."

"What?"

"You and me, we should get to know each other. Because there's just something about you blue eyes..." Magnus said, mumbling the last part to himself. Alec pretended like he didn't hear it.

The bell to let them out of lunch rang, and Alec got up but Magnus put his arm on Alec should. And looked him in the eyes, making Alec blush.

"Promise me you'll call me." Magnus said. "You still have my number right?"

"I-I don't know if... " Alec stumbled.

"Alexander, promise you'll call me. I want to be friends okay?" Magnus smiled.

Alec looked down at his shoes and thought. He thought about how friendships were in the past. How nice it was to have people to talk to to open up to and trust.

But he also thought about the people that betrayed him. That took that trust and stabbed him in the back.

"Okay." He told Magnus.

And Magnus let him go to his next class. Though Alec still didn't know if he could trust Magnus.

* * *

 

That night, he was still thinking about calling Alec and if he could trust him.

But out of a moment of impulse he took his phone out, typed in, 'Hi - Alec'.

It wasn't a call, but what could a text hurt.


	7. Parental Disappointment

_'Hey there blues eye.'_ Was the almost immediate response that appeared on Alec's phone.

He didn't think that Magnus would have actually responded. Now he was just left sitting on his bed phone in one hand and a smile hidden behind the other. Magnus had texted _him_ back.

Now though he faced the dilemma of what to send back to him. Should he say "what's up?", "how are you", or maybe he should just put a smiling emoji. He had to be careful because people like Magnus wouldn't like the real Alec, the one hidden underneath all of the sweaters.

 _': )'_ Alec settles for a smiley face.

A _';)'_ Came from Magnus.

Alec rolled into the fetal position on his bed, with his phone in his hands, which were pressed up to his chest, giggling like a little girl. Alec knew he shouldn't be happy, but Magnus had texted him back. Alec let himself be happy, just this once for this short while, he let the happiness over takes him.

Alec had spent the afternoon texting Magnus. He discovered that Magnus was a very suggestive person, it made Alec blush. A lot. He also had a feeling that Magnus knew this. They mostly talked about very basic stuff, favorite foods, movies, and in Alec's case favorite book.

Like all good things though it came to an end. Alec's moment came to an end when his parents came home that evening.

"Alexander, would you come down here?" His mother called up the stairs.

Alec looked to his closed door in alarm. His mother wanted to talk to him? Why would she want to do that? Oh no, what it was both of them.

His parents were very independent people. They normally didn't interact with their children together, in fact sometimes Alec forgot they were even married. The only time they worked as a unit was for discipline.

Alec walked out of his door and saw that Izzy and Jace had left their rooms to see what was going on.

Alec walked into the living room where his parents sat together on the couch. His mother's face was completely neutral; she didn't allow any of her true feelings to make a presence on her face. His father face however was disappointed.

"Alexander today I had a call from your school, would you like to tell me what they told me?" She asked.

Alec was definitely in trouble. He had learned over the years, mostly because of Jace and Izzy, that when his mother asked something like that she was angry. It probably didn't help that she received that call at work, she hated when that happened.

Alec shook his head, and looked down at his hands.

"Well then," Her voice was sharp, "they told me that you had skipped classes after running out of one." His mother said. She looked off to the side, she often did this as if she was thinking about what to say but Alec knew the truth. His mother always came to an argument prepared, she was ten steps ahead and always had a plan that her appoint would trap themselves in.

His father was more of a hot head though.

"We haven't been her a week, and you are already causing trouble again." His father said. "You do know that we moved her for a fresh start? And what do you do, hm, mister? You go around ditching class and ruining your education. So tell us, what was so important you had to leave school in such a hurry?" His father's face was red, and Alec was terrified.

Alec just kept picking his hands and shaking his head. How could he tell his parents he had a panic attack and ran to the bathroom to mutilate himself.

"Well don't just keep shaking your head, say something!" His father shouted at him.

"I don't know." He said. Alec looked up at his parents.

His father had stood up and was now looking down at him. His face was red, his jaw clutched, and Alec could hear his father's short angry breath.

His mother however, she was just looking at him with a curious face. It was as if Alec was a puzzle trying to solve.

Before his father could start shouting at him again, Alec mother stood up. She started to walk out of the room before she turned around and motioned for Alec to follow him. He did, and she led him right into her office.

It was amazing how it looked like this had been used. Everything was on the shelf; everything on the desk was neat and aligned. It was as if they had never even moved. Though Alec did note there was a picture frame on her desk, but from his angled he could see what was on it.

"Alec I am aware the last few months haven't been easy on you, or any of us. That being said I know you are a good student, even if your grades have not been as we would like lately, so I know you wouldn't just leave during the middle of class."

This is what she does; she doesn't ask questions, she list facts. It was as if she already knew the whole story, even if she didn't she could damn well convince people she did.

"I didn't mean to…" Alec mumbled.

"Well it doesn't matter what you did and did not mean to do, because you did leave class, and school, unexcused. This isn't just a fresh start for you Alexander, this is a new start for all of us. A new reputation to build."

Alec flinched at that word; _reputation_. He loathed that word. That word was just an excuse his parents would use to keep their children in line. To make Alec keep them in line.

"I understand." He said. He really did, this was just a warning. His mother's way of letting him know that she will leave him for the dogs next time, or more accurately; his father.

"I am glad you do Alexander. Now why don't you go and make sure Jace and Izzy have completed their studies? This is a fresh start remember."

Just like that she was waving him out of her office. He shut the door behind him, crept up the stairs (careful to avoid his father), and was greeted by the faces of his siblings.

Obviously they had been listening, or at least trying to, on the conversation between Alec and his parents.

"So what happened? Why'd they want to talk with you?" Jace asked.

"They were just reminding me this is a fresh start, and that you two should be doing your homework." He said, giving them a _look_.

"Oh, come on Alec. They wouldn't call you down like that to make sure that we were doing out homework." Izzy said. Jace and Alec then gave her a look, and she amended herself, "Alright, so maybe they would."

"Yes, so have you two done your homework yet?" Alec said, grateful that they were being steered off course of the previous subject.

"All of it that I'm gonna." Jace said.

"What he said."

Alec rolled his eyes at Izzy and Jace. He knew, better than anyone, how smart they were. Jace was genius, and he could do anything he wanted to. The only problem was that Jace never stayed interested in things for long. Izzy on the other hand was more focused on her appearance. Not only how she physically looked but also how she looked in the eyes of her peers. If only she could see the real her was even better than the person she was at school.

Alec sighed and wandered off to his room, leaving the door cracked open behind him. He saw his phone on his bed, it was lighting up. He'd missed 3 texts from Magnus.

_'I never really like just sitting in one place, if I'm sitting there is always some movement.'_

Magnus must have been replying to Alec's little explanation on why he liked reading so much. He just loved the feeling of not having to move around and do things and having the ability to be in the same room. It was never the same as T.V., books always felt more real to him.

_'I didn't scare you off did I?'_

_'Alexander?'_

Alec's chest tightened as he read the last two messages. Magnus was worried he had scared Alec off. He could not believe how reversed this semmed to him, Magnus shouldn't be scared of that. He was too perfect there was no way Alec could scare him off. 

_'Sorry, my parents came home.'_

It wasn't two minute later when he got a response, _'Did they ask how their little Alec's day was.'_

Alec felt like Magnus was trying to be funny, and maybe it was because Magnus's parents were like that. But not Alec's…

_'Not exactly.'_

_' What happened?'_

_'Doesn't matter, I'm going to bed. Have a good night.'_

He did feel bad about ending the conversation so short, but Alec really didn't want to talk about his parents.

Hearing the creak of his door opening Alec looked up to see Izzy walk into the room. She shut the door behind her and stood there, not saying anything.

Alec looked at his sister, her hair was up in a messy pony tail and she was in sweats. Somehow she made slouch close work.

"Alec… can I ask you something?" She said finally after minutes of silence.

"Of course anything."

Before she said anything she moved over to sit on the bed next to Alec.

"Alec, I'm your sister, and I love you. So please, I'm begging you please talk to me."

"I am talking to you." Alec said, forcing himself to smile.

"No you're not, like earlier you didn't tell us what they wanted from you. And the other day when you disappeared from school. Or when you had a nightmare that you woke up and scream bloody-fucking-murder." Izzy said, tears brimming in her eyes.

"Izzy, I'm sorry. I just didn't feel well the other day so I left early. And they were just asking me why I left. You know them, I need a perfect record. It was mostly about the fresh start. I wasn't lying I promise." He wasn't going to put her through that , not again.

Izzy sniffed and looked up at her older brother, "Okay, okay. But the other day, you're nightmare… Just, are you okay?

"Yeah, just things I didn't want to remember."

"Alright, well I'll you to do whatever it is you do." She said, gave him a quick hug and left him alone.

* * *

 

_The walls were creaking as the wind beat against it. It was relentless, trying to break the will of the walls._

_Alec couldn't see anything around him, it was pitch black. He could feel the soft fabric underneath him. He cold taste the blood in his mouth._

_Where was he? This wasn't a familiar place? He must have been dreaming._

_Was he dreaming or was this just another nightmare?_

_Suddenly he could hear more than just the wind, there was breathing. It was a heavy sound, angry breathing. He knew he had to get away from the monster that was breathing._

_He crawled off of the couch and tried to feel around for a place to hide. The breathing was getting close, the wind was getting louder._

_Alec bumped against a wall; feeling up there was a door knob. He opened the door and crawled in, maybe the breather wouldn't find him._

_Alec slowed his own breath to the point where he couldn't hear it himself._

_He didn't hear any footsteps from the other side of the door, only breathing and the wind threating to tear down the house._

_The breathing was getting too close for Alec's comfort. He backed away from the door only to trip over something and hit his head against something; a wall?_

_The breathing stopped, and Alec let out a breath of relief._

_Then the wind blow and the door was open._

_"Found you." A deep vicious voice said._

_Alec let out a scream._


	8. Class Naps are Productive

Alec woke up in a cold sweat, his breathing was heavy. He could feel the blankets around him trapping him in.

He turned trying to get out of his bed, he had to get away. He needed to get the safety. Suddenly he was on the floor. The sheets had followed him down and now he couldn't move. They were holding him down in place, he couldn't move, he couldn't breathe.

He tried to scream for help but no sound came out, he had been silenced.

His whole body was covered in sweat, he was too warm. He needed to escape. Was he safe? Was _he_ still coming after him?

What about Jace and Izzy? Were they safe from _him_? Was that why Alec couldn't hear _him_? Was he going after Jace or Izzy. He had to get to them, make sure they were safe.

However no matter how much he wriggled or tried to crawl free from his blankets he could escape. No, no, no, what if he was too late to save them?

With new found will power to save his siblings from _him_ , he from the strength to free himself from his confinement, only to fall off his bed and onto the floor.

Pain shot through his shoulder as he land on it, biting his lip he didn't allow himself to make a sound. He felt the blankets loosen around his feet and soon enough he was free from his blankets.

Alec tried to stand up, it took a few tries as he was slipping in his own sweat, but eventually he made it to his door.

He pressed his body up against it, waiting and listening. Was _he_ out there? Was he waiting for _him_?

Alec took a deep breath and remembered what was more important: Izzy and Jace.

He opened his door, _he_ wasn't there. He walked up to Izzy's door and opened it. Peeking inside he saw that she was safe. She was laying peacefully on her bed, her chest rising and falling in a calm rhythm. There was a small smile on her face, she looked happy.

Alec felt like he was intruding on Izzy's privacy and left, closing here door silently.

Next was Jace's room, the door next to Izzy's.

He pressed his ear against Jace's door, he could hear snoring. He opened Jace's door, thankful it didn't creak, and walked inside. Jace was laying on his bed, limbs spread everywhere. He was only wearing his boxers and the blankets had been kicked off of him. Alec blushed and left, after making sure everything was safe in Jace's room.

Alec got back to his room and sighed as he closed the door. He was just overreacting, they were safe, _he_ really wasn't here anymore. Alec slid down his door and curled his legs up to his knees. He was going crazy, how did he ever believe he was here.

Just as Alec was about to let out a laugh of relief something creaked in the corner of his room. Alec looked over to the corner and froze.

There were two eyes glowing right at him. _He_ was here, he was in his room.

Alec curled further into himself, the eyes still following him. Maybe he could make a run for it, maybe he could run to safety.

Alec sucked in a deep gulp of air and sprung toward his closet. He dove into it and slammed the door shut. He felt the corner of the closet around him, and let the tears fall off of his face.

* * *

 

"Alec? Where are you? We're going to be late!" A voice shouted, waking Alec up.

Opening his eyes Alec noticed was he was free from his blanket, and he wasn't in his bed.

Suddenly everything was bright as the closet door was opened. Looking up Alec saw his sister looking down on him, she hesitated before speaking.

"Come on, we have to get going."

Izzy left Alec to get ready; he only had 5 minutes before Jace would leave without him. After Alec had thrown on some clothes he joined his siblings outside the house.

His entire body was stiff and ached whenever he moved.

Alec sat in the back as Jace drove them to school. Alec noticed how his siblings looked worried, and how they kept sharing gazes at each other. Alec also noticed how Jace kept looking back at him in his rearview mirror.

Alec let out a sigh, "Alright what's going on?" He asked them.

Izzy looked back at him, "What do you mean?"

"Something's up with the two of you. You're not fighting, and you keep looking at each other."

"What? We aren't 'looking' at each other." Jace said, defensively.

"Yes you are, I do have eyes you know. It's not a big deal just tell me what's up."

Something seemed to have snapped in Izzy. "Well if it's not a deal ,why don't you tell us what's up with you? Hm?"

"W-what? Izzy we already t-talked about this."

"Oh, so you and Iz will talk to each other and not me. Really feeling like part of the family bro." Jace said. His grip on the steering wheel tightened, and the car started to pick up speed.

"Jace, that's n-not…" Alec tried.

"Save it" Jace said.

Alec sighed and looked down at his hands. What had he done? Did Jace really feel like he wasn't a part of the family? That couldn't be right.

Jace had lived with the Lightwoods since he was 10 years old. Jace's mother had died when he was born and he was raised by his father. Alec and Jace had known each other since Jace were six and Alec was eight. They were in the same day care.

After Jace's father disappeared the Lightwoods decided to take Jace in. Ever since Alec had always tried to make feel like Jace was a part of their family. Because he was, no matter what Alec's feelings toward him were.

* * *

 

Alec got to biology early, anxious to see Magnus. He was still feeling guilty about how he ended the conversation with him last night. He was thinking about how he should apologize, should he tell him why he didn't want to talk to his parents?

No, that was Alec burden to bare; alone.

The lights above Alec dimmed and he looked up to see Magnus standing at his desk

"H-hi." Alec said, blushing.

"Hey yourself." Magnus said back to him.

Magnus sat in his seat as the bell rang and Mr. Novak began teaching the class.

Alec felt his eyes close and his head began to droop. Maybe he didn't get enough sleep last night, or any night for the matter.

Alec felt his phone vibrate in this jeans pocket about five minutes into Mr. Novak's lecture. Slipping it out of his pocket he gazed down at his phone to see he got a text from Magnus.

 _'Bored'_ It said .

Alec didn't reply, he was trying to stay in his teachers good books after all. He laid his head on his hands trying to pay attention. Ten minutes later his phone buzzed again.

_'Do you understand any of this?'_

By the time the third text arrived Alec was already taking a mid-day nap.

* * *

 

Alec was still blushing halfway through his English class. He couldn't believe he'd fallen asleep in the middle of class, and _drooled_. Of all the classes to fall asleep, and drool, it had to be the one class he had with Magnus.

At the end of the hour Magnus had shaken him awake, a smile on his face and a napkin in the other. Alec was mortified.

His face was still red, and he couldn't pay attention. He hadn't felt overly tired this morning, at least not more than he usually felt, but he still fell asleep in the middle of class.

He noticed when he could lift his head from the shame that the Magnus's blonde friend, Camille, was looking over at him. Had Magnus told her what he did? Alec put his head back down in shame.

The bell rang after another thirty minutes of self-torture for Alec. He was grabbing his books together when he noticed that Camille was standing next to him. Alec jumped a little, he didn't hear her walk up to him.

"You're the new guy Magnus has taken an interest in, right?" She said.

Alec nodded.

"Good, then it won't be hard to get this through your head." She said. She adjusted her large bag and straightened her back even further when she said, "If you hurt Magnus in any way then the police will think you really were a vampire fanatic as all of your blood will have been removed."

Then she walked about, leaving Alec slightly terrified.

Before Alec got to the lunch room he checked his phone. There was a new text from Magnus.

_'You're sitting with us at lunch, right?'_

Alec wanted to, but could he? Obviously Magnus's friends didn't like him, why else would one of them threaten his life. His phone buzzed again.

_'Turn around'_

Alec did and Magnus was standing behind him, smiling down at him.

"How about I walk you to lunch? Such a big school and you are new, don't want you to get lost now do we?" Magnus said. He was grinning down at Alec, motioning him to follow. Alec blushed.

They arrived at the outside circular table before Magnus's friends, Camille and Ragnor. Alec sat next to Magnus, there were only a few inches between the two of them and Alec heart was racing.

"Hey, hey, hey!" A voice shouted.

Alec looked over to the voice and saw that it was Ragnor shouting at them. He sat down on the other side of the circle, Camille following after him.

"I see we have a new face to this table. Alec, right?" Ragnor asked.

"Yeah."

"So where are you from? Why'd you move here? Got any hot sisters? Or brothers?" Ragnor was asking him question after question.

Alec just stared at him, not answering any of his questions, but he didn't think the Ragnor noticed. Because soon enough Camille hit his shoulder and they were going off at each other.

He heard a sigh from Magnus and saw that he was shaking his head.

"This is pretty much what every day is like for me. It's nice to actually have company for once."

Magnus had felt alone at lunch? That was just like Alec.

"Yeah." Alec said, he then smiled and looked up at Magnus.

Magnus didn't respond, he just stared right into Alec blue eyes. And Alec starred right back into Magnus eyes for the first time. They stayed like that for a while, content to just look into each others eyes.

That was until Ragnor pointed out what they were doing and Alec blushed like crazy and starred down at his hands.

Magnus just sighed and turned away himself, then proceeded to tell Ragnor off.

The lunch bell rang and Alec got up to run away, but not before Magnus could grab Alec's hoodie.

"So I was thinking as you missed today's biology notes we could stay after school and I can show them to you." Magnus said.

Alec blushed when he remembered why he didn't have that days biology notes.

"I-I don't know. Jace is my ride home, and I know-w he doesn't like to wait." Alec said. Which was true, Jace would probably leave without him possibly without even realizing.

"No problem, I can give you a ride to your place."

Alec looked up at Magnus, could he trust him? Would it be alright to stay after to be with him? Could he allow himself to do this?

"Alright."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel as though I should explain myself and this story a little. I started this in 2012 and was posting it to fanfic, it was doing okay I'm just a horrible updater (I blame my semi-busy life and my atrocious procrastination). I was fifteen when I started this whole thing. I was an emotional wreck and my life was a mess. I'm almost nineteen now and things are a lot better for me. While I was writing this some of it was reflecting on how I felt, I felt a lot like how I made Alec out to be. Now though as I am doing better I'll be writing this from a different perspective, so hopefully that means Alec can finally get the happiness he so much deserves.


	9. Study Date

Alec leaned against Jace's locker after the final bell had rung. He had made it a priority to locate his brother and sister's lockers on the first days of school. Izzy's was closer to his over by the gym, while Jace was all the way on the other side of the school

Alec sighed as he looked the time on his phone, class had finished five minutes ago Jace should have been at his locker by now. Soon though Jace emerged from around the corner down the hall, and Alec saw that he was talking to someone. Then said someone also walked around the corner, it was a girl, a girl that wasn't Izzy.

She had fiery red long red hair, the curls in her hair only making it seem as though her head was actually on fire, Alec wished it was. She was short, wasn't really curvy, flat chest, plain clothes, nothing special. Alec let himself sigh in relief Jace only went after the really pretty girls, not ones like this, plain average girl. Then he looked at Jace, he was smiling, his face lit up. The air around him was as golden as his hair, and his eyes were on the plain girl.

Alec's heart dropped. He could feel himself start to tremble, Jace liked this girl whether he liked it or not.

"Oh Hey, Alec." Jace said as he arrived at his locker with the short girl.

"Hey." Alec murmured.

"Alec this is Clary we have history together; Clary this is my brother Alec."

The girl, Clary, looked up at Alec and she shifted from foot to foot and moved all her book to one hand and reached a shaking one out to Alec.

"Nice to meet you." She smiled up to him.

Alec looked from the little girl, Clary he reminded himself, and back to Jace. He was looking at him expectedly as though Alec opinion on this girl mattered. Did Jace like this girl that much? Even though they had only been going to school here for a short while. Alec sigh, again, and shook her hand.

"Likewise." He grumbled, and that seemed enough for Jace.

"Ok let go get Izzy and get going. Clary's going to be coming back with us today."

"Um that's actually why I'm here, I'm uh, not coming home with you guys today." Alec said and then looked down.

"Ok…" Jace said, eyeing him with suspicion. "How will you be getting home then?"

"I uh, well a friend is going to give me h-uh their notes, for a um class?" Alec stuttered, not being able to look Jace in the eye.

"Someone is going to give you their notes to study?" Jace asked Alec as he slung his backpack over one arm and then crossed then over his defined chest.

"Y-yeah, I uh, fell asleep in class. So a friend, well someone in that class is going to help me get the notes that I missed…" Alec said, his face red from embarrassment.

The look on Jace's faces softened from his usual guarded expression to something of concern. He leaned in closer to Alec, to which that did not help his blush, Jace's eyebrows knitted together causing a little bit of wrinkle.

"You fell asleep in class? Was this because of whatever happened last night you obviously are avoiding? Are you ok?" Jace asked in a hush tone, aware of how close Clary was and that this matter wasn't for her ears.

Alec averted his gaze, "Yeah I'm fine." He managed to laugh out, "I just slept through a class it's not a big deal."

"OK." Was all Jace said back but his tone told all Alec he needed to know. Jace was going to be telling Izzy about him sleeping and then he would be interrogating Alec when he got back. Maybe he should go home with Jace now and get it over with. That way he wouldn't have to talk about who he was going to go out with as well and more questions wouldn't come out because of that.

Just as Alec was about to change his mind his phone buzzed in his hand, it was a text from Magnus.

_'At your locker, hope you haven't forgotten.'_

Alec smiled as he read the message, he quickly responded with,

_'I'm on my way, I had to talk to Jace first sorry.'_

"Ok then, text me where you're at in case I have to come get you ok?" Jace asked as a final attempt to get anything out of Alec.

"Yeah, I will." Alec said, he took one last look at Jace and the girl Clary and started to walk to the other side of the school to his locker.

* * *

 

When Alec got to his locker sure enough Magnus was leaning against it, playing on his phone. He turned his head and saw Alec walking over to him and smiled at him, relaxing against the locker. Alec blushed and smiled back, it was the polite thing to do he reasoned with himself.

"Well you certainly know how to keep someone waiting. Again I jest, let's get going shall we?" Magnus said and he walked over to Alec.

"Y-yeah." Alec said.

They walked out of the school together both of them silent, walking past all the other students and making their way over the parking lot. Alec followed Magnus as he didn't know where his car was or what it even looked like.

"Here we are." Magnus said as they approached a black car in the parking lot.

Alec had seen this car around, it was new and sleek. He didn't know a lot about cars that was more Jace's thing than his, but he did know that this car was incredibly expensive. He guessed his family wasn't the only one with a bit of money in town.

Magnus walked around to the passenger side of the car and opened the door for Alec.

"Thank you."

"Of course." Magnus said, winked and walked back to the driver's side.

They drove for a while, but no more than twenty minutes. Alec was right Magnus's family did have money, he knew this as they were driving to one of the nicer neighborhoods in town. As they drove Alec looked out the window and tried to calm down. He tried to focused on the outside of the car the trees that bend over the road creating a tunnel.

He had never been overly fond of cars or driving, but there was always something about watching the outside pass by him that calmed him down. His mother had taught him them albeit it unintentionally, when he was young and complained about feeling sick and closed in, she told him to look outside at the world that they were passing by. It worked for most of their car trips, but lately things were a different story.

"You don't have to be nervous Alexander; I'm not taking you away to some murder house." Magnus teased.

"I wasn't thinking about a murder house, but know that you mentioned one…" Alec said, and he meant it as a joke, but then he really started to think.

He didn't know Magnus that well and they were just going to his house to study. And on TV study never meant study, he didn't want that kind of study. And yeah Magnus was gorgeous (not that he would ever say that out-loud) but Magnus wouldn't want Alec that way, he wasn't good enough for Magnus.

"Oh no, I better watch myself which the murder jokes so I don't scare you away… I should probably hide my knife collection before you come inside." Magnus smirked at Alec

And Alec laughed.

* * *

 

Magnus's house was breathing taking. I was an olden style mansion, bricks and vines growing on the side. The entranceway was an arch with a set of French doors welcoming inside of the house.

"You have a really nice place." Alec said, both of his hands were gripping the one strap of his back pack that was non his shoulder.

"Thanks, it my mother's really but I like living in style so may as well stay here. Though I would prefer to be on my own, spread my wings and all that you know." Magnus said, strutting past Alec and waving his hands around as he talked.

Alec followed him to the living room where Magnus twirled and graciously lounged onto the three seater couch across from the TV.

"Let's get started shall we? Before I scare you off again" Magnus joked.

"OK, do you have the notes from t-today?" Alec asked as he sat down at the far end of the couch.

Magnus eyed him as he sat down, gazing far away from him even though there was only the distance of one couch cushion between them. "You don't have to be shy." Magnus said slowly sliding over, "We will have to be somewhat close to study the same notes."

"Y-yeah, I know I, um, just uh, well…" Alec said, blushed and looked away.

"Okay I'll keep my distance," Magnus said and raised his hands to prove himself, "and we can study like this." Alec nodded at him, this was an okay distance. "Okay so, biology, I personally do not like the subject though it has its obvious perk I prefer _chemistry_."

"I well, I'm fairly good at biology. I don't really know about chemistry… I've never taken it." Alec looked down, trying to memorize the physical details of his hands.

"Ah well we don't have to worry about that toddy, for today all we have to worry about is _biology_." Magnus said, looking at Alec with something Alec wasn't familiar with.

Either was Alec's face became a new shade of red and he looked away from Magnus. He quickly changed the subject onto actually biology that they had to study.

* * *

 

They studied for a little while before they both decided they didn't need. Magnus though it would be a good idea to turn the TV on, apparently there was a marathon off America's Next Top Model that Magnus just could not miss. Magnus stayed at the same spot just as he said he would, he didn't push any boundaries. It was however Alec that moved on the couch, he moved a little closer to Magnus, he told himself that it was to help them study and he didn't know if he was lying to himself or not.

"So you've really never watched ANTM?" Magnus asked.

"What's AMTN?" Alec asked him, confused by a bunch of letters.

"ANTM, America's Next Top Model, it's a show about a bunch of beautiful people trying to prove themselves and that they are above the others. And of course the drama of them bitching about each other, its pleasant TV." Magnus explained, his face lighting up as he talked about it.

Alec smiled up at Magnus, he was getting amused at how happy he was at a bunch of models, so he agreed to watch the show only his sister would force him to watch.

Magnus turned and caught Alec staring at him and then turned his smile to him. Alec blushed and looked away because he was embarrassed and Magnus turned the rest of his body to face Alec.

"So, Alexander do you want to play or little game of Twenty Questions?"

"Okay."

"Have you ever been on a date?"

Alec stilled where he sat, eyes dazing off into nothing. "Yes…" He said quietly. "H-have you ever traveled outside the states?" Alec asked Magnus his voice shaking as he tried not to think about the question he was asked.

"Yes I have, his isn't one of my Twenty but are you ok?" Magnus asked, he slowly put his hand over Alec's.

Alec looked up, and looked into Magnus's eyes. He saw green and yellow swirling around hiding something deeper behind them. But something he saw in those eyes made him, if only for a moment trust Magnus.

"No, I've had some dates that ended really badly… I don't like to think about them." Alec looked away, shamed of his admission.

Magnus didn't say anything, there wasn't really anything he could say in that moment, he just rubbed his hand against Alec, trying to give him what little comfort he could. They sat like that for a while, Magnus quietly reassuring Alec that it would be okay.

The song queuing that another episode started played in the background but they both ignored it too absorbed in the moment. Alec had start to move closer to Magnus, but Magnus hadn't move from where he was, instead he started to wrap his arms more around Alec, giving him all the comfort he could.

Eventually the moment was broken when Alec's phone started to vibrate in his pocket. He quickly flinched away from Magnus and grabbed his phone and stood up from the couch and answered.

"Hello?"

"Hey just thought I'd let you know the parents are going to be here again tonight so you might want to get home before dinner." It was Jace.

"Shit, yeah ok I'll be back soon. Thanks." Then he hung up.

Alec turned around and looked at Magnus, "That uh, was my brother. I gotta get back to my place." Alec said.

"Of course," Magnus smiled. "I will have you home in no time at all."

"Thank you."

"Though I would like to say after today, I hope you can say you've had a good date." He said and walked past Alec with the keys.


	10. Alec Trips and Falls on his Face

Alec managed to get home before dinner, which was a surprise to him. The car ride back was one of the slowest of his life. Everything past by and if he had been looking out the window he would have been able to catch every detail that went past him. But he couldn't, because instead of looking out the window he spent it trying to sneak a glance at Magnus every little while.

Alec was more surprised than anything that the last thing Magnus said before they left the house hadn't sent him into a downward spiral and then into a panic attack. Sure he did freak out at first because Magnus Bane thought that this was a date.

And he thought about that for a while, tried to look from every angle at hoe it could have been a date, but Alec didn't really know what a date consisted of. He had basically zero dating experience, and what he did have was either him trying to cover up his sexuality or memories that he had been fighting against all afternoon.

Really all he knew about a date is that it consisted of two people, in his case himself and Magnus. It normally had some kind of food, Magnus had made popcorn and gotten them some drink before he turned the T.V. on maybe that counted as food. And butterflies at the end, yeah Alec was definitely feeling something and it was the end. He didn't understand what he was feeling, he would say it was butterflies in his stomach but every time he glanced over at Magnus he smiled and then looked down ashamed and tried to hide it.

"Here we are." Magnus said, breaking the silence in the car.

Alec looked outside, turns out Magnus was right and the longest car ride of Alec life was over, but it wasn't the worst.

Alec turned to look over at Magnus he didn't know what to say to him. If this was the end of a date was he supposed to tell him something romantic? Or maybe give him a kiss, after all Alec had spent the day at Magnus eating his food and taking up his time didn't he now owe Magnus for that?

"Don't worry, Alexander, you don't have to stress about anything. I had a wonderful day today and I just hope you did as well." Magnus said, he placed his right hand on top of Alec's as he looked him in the eye.

"Y-yeah, I did." Alec said.

"Good, I suppose I'll be seeing you in biology then, shall I?" Magnus asked, raising one of his perfect eyebrows.

"Um, yeah." Alec said, not smoothly at all. He didn't feel like this was the way to end things, maybe he should be honest with Magnus after all he had done for him today. "And um maybe outside of biology?" He ended up asking innocently.

Magnus's face lit up, his smile made the whole car glow and it spread onto Alec face.

"I would like that very much Alexander." He said, and gave Alec's hand a gentle squeeze.

Alec looked down from Magnus's smile and on to his hand on his lap. He smiled, this was as Magnus had said a good date.

"I, uh have to go…" Alec said, breaking the comfortable silence that they held.

"Ok, I suppose I'll have to let you go, but remember to text me ok?"

"Yeah, Ok."

* * *

 

Alec tried to walk into his house as quietly as he could, he hoped that no one had noticed Magnus's car lingering on the driveway. Though he didn't regret how he'd spent his evening, not even a little bit, he was now remember how different it was too his usual behavior. He just hoped he could do as he always does and go unnoticed even in his own house.

Though it was good that Jace had called him as his parents would be furious and would be asking questions about his whereabouts if he was gone too long. Over the past year things had become tense between him and his parents. It used to be that he was the most free out of all the Lightwood children, as he never got up to trouble.

His parents never noticed when he was out late or would never come home, as they did the same. They never noticed that he went from the child they wouldn't ever have to worry about to the one that they should be the most worried about. Even before the accident he began to change, and as he crept into his house and tried to sneak into his room he fought back more memories as to why he had changed so much.

He was halfway up the stair when he heard a voice call out, "Alec? Where have you been?" it wasn't a shrill voice that belong to his mother when she fretted, if she ever did, or the deep booming voice of his father that seemed to be stuck in a state of permanent disappointment. No, the voice was a rare soft and sweet one that came from his sister Isabelle.

"I uh, was studying." He said, only half lying to his baby sister.

"Uh huh, that I can believe but who were you with?" She inquired. She was standing at the top of the stairs, overlooking him at the railing as he continued to try to walk up the stairs. Though it was proving difficult for him to continue his way up the stairs and try not to lie to his sister but not tell her the truth as well.

"A friend." He said

"A friend?"

"Yeah, you know a person that another person talks to maybe hangs out with occasionally." He shrugged.

"Alec, I know what a friend is but no offensive bro but I think I would know if you had a friend."

Alec tried to remain uninsulated by his sister's jab at his pride. Partly because it was true, Izzy knew a lot about his life, not everything definitely not everything, but most. And if he had a made a new friend at the school they had just started going to, and somehow she had already became the queen of the school, she would know.

"Well I have a friend, it can happen you know. Things can slip your watch." Alec said.

Izzy frowned, "I'm sorry Alec I know I haven't been the best sister lately."

Alec's foot missed the final step at the top and he tumbled face first into the floor. His chin scarped the ground first and his arms instinctually tried to protect himself but they flayed his mind too caught up on what Izzy had just said to react properly. He felt his whole body connect with the floor, the momentum that he had previously been using to walk up the stairs was now propelling him into the floor.

Izzy had run over from where she was and shouted his name. So much for quietly getting home he thought before his face really started to sting.

"Alec are you ok?" Izzy asked him. She was turning his body over and so he was laying on his back.

"Yeah, Iz I'm fine." He said, he started to sit up but she pushed him back down, he didn't like that. "Iz! I'm fine."

She filched her arms back her, face grew an apologetic look on it. "I'm sorry Alec, I just wanted to make sure you were OK."

Alec sighed and placed his hands on the ground, he was sorer than he would like to admit after such an embracing tumbling, and his hands stung from the contact they had made with the wood flooring. He looked up at his sister, and she was looking down back at him, her mouth was opened slightly and her lips were shaking. Her perfectly sculpted eyebrows were closer together, causing worried wrinkles to appear between them.

"I'm fine, ok? I just missed the top step. You know I can be a klutz, and besides you're not a bad sister. In fact you're the best sister I could have ask for." Alec said, trying to take on of Izzy's shaking hands.

She nodded in response, though it didn't quite reach her eyes. "Just please be careful Alec… I hate when I see you hurt."

"I promise I will." He said, promising something else to himself than she thought he was.

He stood up and brushed himself off, his hands and chin stung and the rest of his body felt like it was going through an aftershock. After checking himself over for injuries he decided he could attend to his own medical needs and assured Izzy again that he would be fine and slipped into the bathroom.

Underneath the sink there was a first aid kit, this was the family kit. He opened it up and found a few useful supplies, it was a fully stocked kit that had only been used for band aids over paper cuts.

Alec locked the door and took his sweater off the make sure all of his injuries were ok, and that none of them hand been opened in the fall. He left his t-shirt on and the most recent ones, he figured if there was no blood then he was ok. His arm was sore to move as his twisted it to inspect for any friction burns that may have occurred, however he noticed that none of the soreness was from his recent fall.

He looked in the mirror, trying not to flinch at his own reflection, and looked at the damage done to his chin. There was a red spot there that looked like it was going to have some superficial scabbing.

He frowned at his reflection, he was hideous and somehow Magnus had wanted to spend his day with him, now he looked even worse with his chin like this. He didn't know how he was going to cope with school the next day, at least it was Friday that way he could spend the whole of his weekend holed up in his room.

* * *

 

Dinner was as pleasant as the affair could be at the Lightwood house. The tension in the house only seemed to be rising, and Alec wasn't sure what or who was causing it. Normally he would have assumed the cause was himself, and lead himself into a spiral of self-doubt and depression, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn't think of anything to make this dinner worse than any of the others they had had in the last year.

Jace and Izzy weren't talking to each other, no bickering or trying to show off who was better at what. They weren't even sparring glances at each other. Instead Izzy was shifting in her seat, moving from side to side in an unusual unlady like manner. He gaze was passing between her parents and biological brother. Her expression changing with each person each time her eyes landed on them and then back down to her food.

Her adoptive brother on the other hand was a different story. Jace wasn't one to show any of his true emotions on his sleeve, if something bothered him he would blow it off in favor of a sarcastic comment. But at the dinner table his was gripping tight onto his fork and ruthlessly stabbing each piece of food as though they had been behind the worst moments of his life.

The adult Lightwoods held there normal stature, the model face of a Lightwood. No real emotion escape from behind those masks, giving Alec no indication as to what had happened. Or if his parents had anything to do with his siblings fowl moods.

As usual as soon as the meal was over Alec tried to escape it, though this time his mother began to call out at him. He turned around to look at her, to see what she had wanted then he noticed she had silenced herself. Jace was giving Robert a look of disdain and Izzy had dropped her cutlery onto her plate causing all vocal noise from Maryse to stop.

Giving no indication to speak again Alec took that as a sign that he was free to leave and hide in his room. He took this mercy and ran.

* * *

 

By the time the rest of the house was asleep, or pretending to be asleep, Alec had sat himself in front of his door, his back against his bed. He was right after all the memories he had been holding back all day had finally hit him. His mind had been attacked with images he just couldn't handle.

His body was covered in sweat as he breathed heavily. In one hand he held a knife, it wasn't to hurt himself but for anyone that would have walked through his locked door. His paranoia had increased and every small sound made him jump. His lights were on but a towel stuffed under the door so no one knew he still was awake.

He stayed that way, forcing himself to stay awake. Because he knew if he fell asleep, nothing could stop his screams tonight.


	11. Alexander Likes Italian

 

 

 

Alec's eyes were dry and red, he felt a burning sensation every time he blinked. He wished that every time he blinked he was in some way catching up on sleep. Last night wasn't one of his best nights, though none of them really were any more.

He'd woken up early covered in sweat, the nightmare was different then his usual ones. Instead of his siblings yelling at him and blaming him, or an angry mob coming after him armed with _fire_ , he'd dreamed of a screams and silent tears.

The usual, but not unexpected, nightmare had thrown him off balance. Lately he'd been so focused on the burn that he had been forgetting about before that.

Though Alec waking up at an unusual time had thrown his morning routine off, so when he walked downstairs to decide if he needed a bite to eat his family was also down stairs. They all sat around the table eating different arrangements of breakfast foods, and Alec cursed his luck.

Izzy looked up as she saw him approach, she gave him a thin smile that did not reach her puffy eyes. She had been crying. Why would Izzy have been crying?

He sat next to Jace, flashing his sister concerned glances from across the table. His brother paid little mind to him, but that was ok with Alec. Sometimes he thought the less Jace paid attention to Alec the less he could worry about his unrequited feelings and what those meant as a whole.

Alec began eating some cereal, trying to blend in with the rest of his family. Though it seemed as though no one wanted to be there, so at least nothing was against Alec in particular today.

Maryse, Alec noted, was in her fancy business wear. That was something she saved for big meetings, no wonder the table was tense. If Maryse Lightwood was at all anxious for whatever reason she didn't show it, and no one would ever know if they didn't know her. But Alec did, and he knew that if she was tense then Robert was twice as tense and always extra irritable.

From then on Alec knew he had to tread lightly, as now this table was a ticking time bomb. The only question was would the bomb go off, and on who if it did.

"So, how are you all adjusting to your knew school?" Maryse suddenly asked her children.

Alec tensed, she knew how he was doing in school, and they had had this conversation already. Maybe that was good, maybe that meant he, for once, wouldn't have to suffer at a tense breakfast.

"The same way anyone else does when they get to bed shipped off from one place to another, again." Jace said, his tone was bitter as he stabbed his cereal with his spoon.

Alec noticed Izzy look over to him and then over to Jace. Her face flying through expressions too quick to catch.

"Oh shut up, Jace." She started "Quit your bitching, you seemed fine flirting with that litter red head yesterday anyway."

Jace's face scrunched up in response to her accusation, even though it was true even Alec had seen it. It hurt him to admit but Jace was flirting with this girl, Clary her name was Clary, and there wasn't a thing Alec could do about it.

" _Quite_ , both of you." Robert said. His tone wasn't irritated, it was menacing.

It reminded of a time someone else would yell at him, or tell him in a quite tone without saying the words that he was on thin ice. Alec felt his body freeze up, know not to move when on thin ice. Maybe he could make a break and run like he would any other time it got tense with his family.

The Lightwood (and Wayland) children listened to him, surprisingly enough. Maryse took this as her que to enter the conversation, before everyone scrambled away from each other again.

"Robert and I will be out of town for a few days. We have some business to take care of but she should be back no later than Sunday afternoon. So I expect to come back to a house that looks exactly the way I left it." She said, eyeing Izzy and Jace with a look that let them know that was their first and only warning.

Alec felt like telling her that she didn't need to threaten or warn them, that they knew what would happen if they displeased their parents. But he held his tongue, after all he already was a disappointment for his parents, why make it worse by continuing to speak against them.

* * *

"So tell me, Alexander, how did you manage to get such _stunning_ eyes?" Magnus asked Alec as her leaned back in his chain. Though Magnus was technically sitting towards the front, he had somehow managed to turn just enough to see all of Alec from his seat.

"Uh…" Alec stumbled over his words "Genetics?"

Magnus laughed, it was a sound that filled the room, and Alec, with a feeling of joy and a childlike innocence. "Well of course I knew that part. We are in biology after." Magnus said, winking at Alec (causing the fatal blush to appear on his face) "But I wonder where those eyes came from. Was it just passed down, or has fate brought all your ancestors together to make the perfect shade of blue in your eyes?"

Alec's blush worsened, wasn't Magnus being too loud? But did Alec even mind at this point? No one had ever paid compliments to Alec like that, nothing so sweet… was Magnus trying to woo Alec?

It wasn't even twenty-four hours since their apparent "date" at Magnus's house were Alec learned about _America's Next Top Model._ They had texted after but Magnus had dialed back on the flirt and they kept playing their game of twenty questions. Some of the questions innocent, mostly from Alec's end, some more curious and strange, mostly from Magnus side, but it seemed they both wanted to keep the conversation going. By now the game of twenty questions was well over twenty, and still rising as Magnus had just asked another question. Of course now he was following it up with flirt.

They were sitting in biology; it was a study day as they had a test soon apparently. They were supposed to be quizzing their lab partners on what they knew about biology, apparently Magnus was interested in a different biology then what was on the test. And Alec seemed just fine with that, as long as they didn't get caught.

"Well seeing as I won't be getting an answer to that," Said Magnus "I get to ask another question." Alec wanted to protest but he was right, even though Alec had no way of answering the original question now. "So Alexander, Alec," Magnus said in a hushed tone, he seemed to be looking around the class quickly seeing how much everyone else was paying attention to them. "Would you like to go on a proper date with me? Say Saturday night, a somewhere a little more outside than my living room?"

What. Magnus had just asked him out? Alec didn't know how to respond. Magnus's comment about their not date, date last night was one thing but this… This was real, this was Magnus actively seeking Alec out. Why? Why would he want to? Alec was nothing special not like Izzy or Jace. All Alec did was run, read, and hate himself to the sun and back. Why would Magnus, with all his beauty and grace, want someone like Alec?

"What…" Alec asked, that was all Alec could bring himself to say out loud.

"I am asking you, Alec, to go on a real date with me, Magnus." He repeated. "This isn't a joke, so don't worry, I just want to get to know you more. And twenty question isn't enough for me anymore, is it for you?" Magnus asked, he leaned his face down but his perfect eyebrow stayed up, asking the question again for Alec.

No, it wasn't. Of course Alec wanted to get to know Magnus more, but he was struggling to admit it. He couldn't admit it to himself, it would mean too much.

"I, uh, I don't know." Is what he answered with.

"OK, but Alec it's OK to know." He said and smiled sympathetically.

* * *

The rest of the school passed as if nothing usual happed in biology. Alec still sat with Magnus and his friends at lunch. They got along well, and it didn't feel weird between him and Magnus. He was taking the not quite rejection-but not quite acceptance of the date in stride, as he does with everything else.

It made Alec want to question whether or not the date really meant anything to Alec, but then he saw ow Magnus paid attention to him as he talked. Or even when he wasn't talking, if Magnus was talking he would look into Alec's eyes, which he had a strange fascination for.

By the end of the school day Alec still hadn't accepted or reject Magnus on the matter of going on a date. He did, however, reject Magnus on something else.

"I told you, it's no hassle to drive you home." Magnus said.

"And I told you, there's no need to. I have a ride with Jace. Besides he's get well, suspicious if I didn't go home with him again." Alec said, holding his elbow with one of his hands.

Magnus sighed and looked down at Alec, "There's nothing for him to be suspicious of. And even if there was, there wouldn't be anything wrong with it. You know that right?" Magnus asked, he tone was soft again, his eyebrows knitting together and his face filling with the expression of concern.

"Any way I'm just going to get a ride home with Jace." Alec said, purposefully ignoring Magnus's question.

Magnus sighed, as if to resign from his stand about taking Alec home. Alec was slightly thankful for that but also wished he did take Magnus up on that offer. He was just to scared.

"OK, fine. I give up," Magnus said. "Though I'll see you around, OK?"

"Yeah, but I still haven't made up my mind yet." Alec reminded him.

"As long as you're thinking about it, that's all I could ask for." Magnus said, Winked, and then walked off to his locker.

Alec sighed and slung his back pack over both of his shoulders and proceeded to walk to his brother's locker. By the time he got there Jace was leaning against it talking to that red head girl, Clary again.

He noticed Izzy was there too, but she wasn't talking to anyone. Instead some guy with dark hair and glasses was trying to talk to her, though it looked like her was more interested in what Clary was saying than what he was saying to Izzy.

"There you are!" Izzy exclaimed. She latched onto Alec, both literally and metaphorically, and used him to steer away from her current predicament. "So, Alec tell me about your day. Talk to any cute boys?" She asked him in a hushed tone.

Alec stopped walking and his arm was tugged as Izzy lost her balance from his sudden halt. " _What?_ " He asked, his face had horror written all over it.

Izzy looked at him, really looked and then spoke again this time in a softer tone as she started to get Alec walking again. "I asked if you talked to anyone. Though my intention was for you to tell me about your new friend. You know tall, spiky hair, glittery foot prints?"

"Izzy, I uh, don't know what you're talking about." Alec said

"Oh yes you do, and it's ok you know? He's cute." She said, she had managed to drag him out the school, and they were now standing by Jace's car.

Alec sighed, he knew Izzy knew. They had never talked about it, but they hadn't needed to. The way she would look at him whenever the subject of dating brought up she would always give him this look of sadness. They had never talked about it, and Alec didn't want to start here.

"Look he's just a friend I don't know why you would think anything else." Alec said, he wasn't looking at Izzy, he couldn't lie right to her face like that.

Izzy sighed, and looked back up at Alec ready to fight her point again, but then Alec saw Jace approach the car… with the girl. Why had she come along? But she had gone home with Jace last night too, hadn't she.

Alec sighed and got into the car as soon as Jace unlocked it. It seemed as though Izzy wasn't going to put up with Alec anymore because she chooses to sit in the front with Jace, forcing Alec to sit with Jace's most recent fling.

Alec took his phone out of his pocket, Magnus had already started to text him. Seemed like Magnus did care about the date, he had five new messages asking him what he likes to do on dates. Asking him what Magnus could do to give Alec memories of a good date.

Alec was going to tell Magnus that he hadn't even said they were going out yet, there wasn't any point in arguing the "I'm not even gay" card, Magnus would have seen passed that. As he was about to type out his response the little girl, Clary he tried to remind himself, leaned over and read his messages.

"Oh, looks like someone has a hot date." She said out loud.

"What?" Jace asked.

"Nothing!" Alec all but shouted, his face read and horrified as he looked at Clary, why did she do that.

Izzy had turned around in her seat, she was looking between Alec and Clary. Her face morphed between anger at Clary to happiness at Alec and then sadness, she knew he wouldn't be going on a date. He was after Alec.

"Alright bro! Finally it's been forever since you got some." Jace said. "So who's the lucky lady?"

Alec looked down at his phone ashamed, and then over to Clary. She had seen Magnus's name at the top of the screen, she knew it wasn't a girl he was talking to. She looked at him, her eye filled with regret. She must have realized Alec wasn't out to his family, she mouthed an "I'm sorry." At him and he just nodded.

"It's no one ok?" Alec pleaded that Jace would drop it.

"No man, obviously there's someone. And I say about time. You deserve someone to make you happy."

And with Jace's statement Alec thought to himself that Jace made him happy. But he looked over at Clary, this new girl that was just smiling at Jace for no reason. It struck him then, maybe he wanted to be smiled at like that. And Magnus, Magnus did al of of smiling.

"I guess." Was all he said out loud, Izzy had turned around again and smiled at him. She understood. Alec couldn't have asked for a better sister.

So he took his phone out, erased was in the text box and just wrote.

' _I like Italian.'_


	12. Izzy is a Good Sister

' _I like Italian_ ' was probably the dumbest thing Alec could have said to Magnus. Which was what he was thinking as he lied on his bed, his face molded onto his pillow. He had been lying there so long that the bed had settled around him and it seemed as though he was just another accessory to his bed.

His phone was on the floor; it hadn't buzzed or beeped since he had texted Magnus. Another reason Alec was freaking out. Although it was a surprising silent "freak out" for Alec. Salty tears weren't streaming down his face, nor was he thrashing about trying to cause some sort of bodily harm to himself.

All the same he was worried. Over the last few days since he had been talking and texting Magnus, Magnus had been the faster responder. The only times he wasn't quick on the response was if there was no way for him to respond (Sleeping, showering, or whatever else he got up to in his free time.)

' _Damn_.' Alec thought to himself ' _I really don't know this guy. This guy. I accepted a date from a guy! What's wrong with me…?_ '

Alec kept thinking the same thoughts over and over. Sometimes it was in a different order, sometimes it was focusing on one aspect of the issue but Alec lied there brooding and waiting for his phone to buzz.

That's how his sister Izzy found him after about an hour of just lying there on his bed. She knocked on the door before entering, though she did enter before he could say anything.

"Alec?" She asked as she walked in. "Are you ok?" Her tone was of concern but there was also a tinge of humor in it.

It probably did look humorous to her, as she had seen his worse "freak outs" she probably thought it wasn't anything serious. But it was, wasn't it? Alec had, for the first time in almost a year, put his heart out there on the line.

"m'ine." Was the response she got from the pillow Alec's face had decided to stay on.

"Mhm, well I was going to check on your injuries from your clumsy episode but I see we have more pressing matters here. So tell me, why does it feel like you're brooding like Jace does when he has girl trouble." She asked him, she sat down on his bed next to him and gently put an arm on his back.

"I'm not brooding like Jace does over a girl." Alec replied sharply, lifting his face from the pillow.

"Ok," she smiled "so what's his name?" She asked him. Her voice was soft and quiet, but not lacking the grace and confidence that she almost always spoke in.

"What? There's no… I mean… Look Iz…" He stuttered out his reply. Then sighed, who was he kidding, this was Izzy his baby sister he always failed to protect. She had seen the worst of him last year and knew some of his deepest secrets. Liking men being one, knowing his ex the other. "Magnus, it's Magnus." He admitted.

Her face lit up and she leaned down to hug him. "I knew it!" She said.

He stiffened at her hug at first but then leaned into it. "Izzy it's not a big deal… He hasn't even texted me back."

"Of course it a big deal my silly brother, you're finally talking to me about something." She said, her voiced seemed happy as she said those words but Alec saw something flash across her face and he couldn't quiet place what it was. "And what do you mean 'hasn't texted you back'?"

"Well," Alec said ignoring her first comment "We've been, uh, talking for a few days. You know I-I missed some class the other d-day? M-magnus well offered to help me catch up at his place. And that was kinda where I um was…" He admitted to her. He may as well tell her what was going on it was only fair and all.

"So when you didn't want to tell me where you were, you were having a study date with Magnus Bane?"

"Yeah, that's what I said." Alec answered her question, his face was growing red. Even Izzy called it a date, and that was her area of expertise.

"So… What happened? Don't leave me hanging it's been forever since we've talked like this. I can tell you all about my last few days at this lovely new school." Though 5he way she said it made Alec think she didn't think the new school was lovely at all.

"We watched T.V. didn't get a lot of work done, he was trying to get me to watch America's Next Top Model, and then he drove me home." Alec said, he blushed furiously as he thought back to what Magnus said at the end of the day.

"And…" Izzy said expectantly. She was hooked in now there was no way to escape her, it was as if she had a whip coiled around him and she was bringing him in for the kill. Of course the kill might kill him if he admitted what Magnus had said out loud to his baby sister of all people.

"Well… hikdasedtasaate," Alec muttered the last part too fast and too quite too hear properly.

"What? Alec come on what did he say? What happened?" She asked, her arm was running up and down his in a comforting manner. It seemed as though she was growing more concerned as Alec avoided what Magnus had done. Alec startled, was she comparing Magnus to him?

"No Izzy he didn't, I mean it wasn't, he just, I well." He started to speak faster, his breath picking up.

"Alec it's okay." She said trying to calm him down. It worked some, his sister could calm him down, and had, from his worst moments.

He took a deep breath, trying to settle his racing heart and focused on his sister. She was strong and confident in herself, everything Alec wanted to be and couldn't. Sometimes he cursed himself for not being more like her. Wasn't he supposed to look up to him as she was the younger, wasn't he supposed to be the strong brave one instead of the coward.

"I told him that I don't have fond memories of dates." He said, unable to look her in the eye as she took in a breath. He knew what she was thinking of, but could bring himself to do the saw, he had relived that hell last night in his dreams. "And when he was grabbing his keys to leave, he told me now I do have fond memory of a date." Alec said, a small smile made its way onto his lips.

"Oh, Alec." She said, she moved her arm from rubbing his arm to fully embracing him again. The hug was for her he felt, so he hugged her back just as strong. "So tell why are you brooding? Sounds to me like that was a good date?"

The blush returned to Alec's face as he left the embrace and looked at Izzy. She saw his face and guessed

"He asked for a real and proper date didn't he?"

He nodded.

"And?"

Alec pointed to his phone on the ground, as if that would explain everything. Izzy picked it up and looked at it.

"What about your phone? It's dead."

"What!?" Alec exclaimed was that why Magnus hadn't responded not because he couldn't but because he might have and Alec was an idiot for not plugging his phone in after school?

Alec scrambled and snatched the phone from Izzy almost falling off his bed and he grabbed the cord from down the side and plugged hid phone in. He waited a second and it lit up, but was taking forever to get to the lock screen.

"Alec what's going on?" She asked, getting a little impatient.

"Well he asked to uh you know and I kind of send yeah. But he never responded but my phone was off. I didn't know Izzy! What if he thinks I'm ignoring him?"

"Calm down Alec its fine, I doubt he will think poorly of you. Look it's on… and you have a message."

Alec looked at his phone, it had two messages from Magnus. He unlocked his phone, away from Izzy so she couldn't see his password.

_'I know a cute little joint down town. It's well known but very secluded and private we can go there?'_

_'Though I'm open to suggestions, ruling out the Olive Garden. I demand quality if I am to give you a memorable and happy date.'_

He wasn't upset, he wanted to go on the date, and he was thinking about Alec's needs. Alec felt his eyes begin to water, the date hadn't even started and it was already better than any he had been on before. Alec had never been with someone that asked them out then wanted them to be comfortable and happy.

Izzy read the texts over Alec's shoulder like all good sisters do. "See you had nothing to worry about. Now do you want to hear about my boy drama or do you want to plan your date and I go bother Jace?"

Alec looked at her, he couldn't say thank you enough but his look was enough for her. She kissed him on the cheek got up and said.

"I will be helping you look good for this, but for now I'll give you a moment."

* * *

 

Izzy had kept true to her word; she did leave Alec to talk to Magnus. Alec was grateful for it, talking to Magnus was one of the things that was starting to help him be happy again. That's not to say he didn't like talking to Izzy or that she couldn't make him happy. It was just there was an unspoken tension that was building between the two of them and Jace for the matter, he knew one day-and one day that was closer than he would like to think about-that everything would spill over. Until then though Alec wanted to keep up this illusion that everything was fine.

And Magnus was the perfect way to himself believe that things were ok. It wasn't that Alec was truly lying to Magnus, Alec genuinely enjoyed Magnus's company and he was incredibly nervous to see him tomorrow in class, but Alec felt like Magnus was a fantasy. He still believed there was no way someone as beautiful and charming as Magnus Fucking Bane (Alec wasn't sure of Magnus's middle name but fucking seemed to fit) could be into someone like Alec.

Alec, who was currently lying on his bed this time on his back and staring at his ceiling with a small grin on his face, was still texting Magnus. He had decided to let Magnus pick where they could go for their date and when as Alec really didn't know the area nor did he have any plans outside of class so his schedule was free.

Magnus was the perfect date planner Alec had decided about half an hour ago, which was why he was still smiling as he thought about the date that will be. Magnus had understood Alec's fear of other people seeing them, even if Alec knew no one in this new place, and decided that they could still go out but it wouldn't obviously be a date.

It was like that, peaceful and still, on his bed that Alec fell asleep.

* * *

 

_Alec had never been a huge fan of the dark. He had a night light until his mother insisted he was too old, though he begged to differ. In the end is father was the one that got rid of the one small light he had in his old dark room._

_Alec remembered nights like this one, when he fell asleep in pain, wishing he could cry out for someone to help him but no sound passing his lips for fear of what he would do to the person that tried to save Alec. If anyone would. On nights like this one Alec would lie still, silently pleading for it to end and the darkness to just take him already. It wouldn't though, because instead of letting the darkness just take him he did what any scared boy would do-but was he really a boy after this- he tried to find light and focus on it._

_No matter how much it hurt, no matter how ashamed he was when it was over for the night, no matter how soft his words sounded to Alec telling him that it will all be ok. Alec looked for a light, thinking maybe that light would save him. Maybe that light would vanquish the demon that slowly killed him every night._

_It wouldn't though, and that's made Alec a boy, his stupid belief that everything would be ok. Because it wouldn't. Nothing would ever be ok again, because the monster above him would take everything away from Alec to keep him in the darkness and to utter sweet words that meant nothing._

* * *

 

It wasn't often Alec fell asleep peace, which never lasted, and it wasn't often that Alec woke up without screaming or in a panic. It was even less often that both happened. So it was odd when it did.

And that's exactly what happened when Alec woke up that morning, Friday the day before his date with Magnus. He had had another nightmare of about _him_ , just like he had been having ever since he went to Magnus's house. Except this time was different, sure it was just another bunch of memories thrown together in a horrible pattern that his mind had made up to torture him in his sleep. But this time when Alec woke up he wasn't scrambling around trying to find a light, or make sure he wasn't in the room this time. No when Alec woke up this time he just felt defeated.

He woke up feeling like he had been beaten down, there was no use in getting out of bed. There was no use in moving or breathing. He could finally accept there was no see in anything. He felt under the cover of his thick blankets that his body wasn't shaking, nor was it sweating. His body was overwhelmed by the nightmare, maybe it had given up as well.

Light peaked through his curtains, they must have been drawn shut last night as Alec never shut then. He shied away from it, choosing to pull his quilt above his head to stay in utter darkness. He wasn't sweating but his face was damp, salty tracks ran down his face. At least part of him was reacting to his nightmare, he though distantly to himself.

His breathing was slow and quiet, but he didn't care, though he silently wished he that he wasn't breathing at all. It would be that way, but then someone would have to find him and the chances were too high of it being Izzy or Jace he couldn't do that to them. He had already though this out. He needed to get out of their lives before he could do anything he decided a while ago. Because they cared for him, as foolish and little as it was. He never wanted to hurt them, but him being around hurt them more than him being gone, so he decided after he would move he would slowly stop talking to his beloved siblings. Until they didn't talk at all, then he would finish it and they could be happy.

Alec felt his bed begin to vibrate, it was his phone's alarm telling him to wake up. It was pointless today, Alec was already awake. Soon it started to make noise as well as vibrate next to him, it was starting to get annoying just not annoying enough for him to do anything to do about it.

Eventually it stopped, eventually everything stops. But a while later it went off again, not that he did anything to stop it.

There was a knock on his door followed by the sound of it opening. Alec didn't look up he didn't move he couldn't do anything today.

"Alec come on we gotta get going." It was Jace. He sighed then spoke again, stepping closer to Alec's bed. "Get up bro, stop being lazy if I have to wake up so do you."

Alec didn't move, he just stayed under his covers pleading Jace would go away all at the same time wishing he would stay. Alec could hear Jace pacing around his bed.

"Alec?" Jace asked this time in a gentler tone, his voice was soft and didn't carry the arrogance that it usefully held when Jace talked. "Alec are you ok?" He asked.

Alec still didn't answer he didn't move. Alec couldn't will himself to do anything besides just lie there in bed. Besides Jace being in the room his mind was starting to wander off to the only thing he knew could make him feel better, but worse at the same time. But he couldn't because Jace was in the room, Jace was already seeing enough of Alec's bad side. Not that Alec could do anything about it, normally he could hide (or attempt to hide) his fowl moods, just not today.

Jace sat on Alec's bed, he felt the bed dip and the presence of another body, Alec tensed at the feeling. The memories of someone else in bed with him were to fresh in his mind. He stilled his breathing and curled up into himself, his hands were gripping onto his knees as though that was the only thing keeping him together.

"What's wrong?" Jace asked, it seemed as though he had forgotten that he had to be at school. Alec wished he would just go on without him. It would be better that way.

Alec knew there was no other way to get Jace to leave than to push him away, and Alec hated that he had to keep pushing Jace away. He loved his brother, though he still didn't understand his feelings for his brother, and he didn't want Jace to get wrapped up on Alec's fucked up life.

Alec pushed the covered down, slowly his face was hit with the light that seeped through the blinds. The light hurt his eyes-they were red whether from sleep deprivation, crying, or the light on his eyes he didn't know-and he took a breath to look up at Jace. Jace's face changed when he saw Alec, and before Alec could tell Jace whatever lie that was going to spring into his head Jace decided the path Alec would take.

"Family sick day it is. I'll find Izzy's secret chocolate stash." Jace said, and smiled at Alec. It wasn't his normal 'I'm the best goddamn person in the room smile' nor was it his 'look how smart I am' grin. No this was the smile he had only shown to a few people, a smile for those that Jace loved.

Alec was taken aback by the smile. It seemed to make Jace even more gold than he already was. The sun that was peaking in the room was nothing compared to Jace at that moment, Alec just nodded at him. He could take a day off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey sorry I didn't update as fast I have been super stressed out with exams.


	13. Family Sick Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mega Trigger warnings, I'm giving you a heads up here. Also did any one else watch Malec? I'm in love!

At some point in the day Izzy had managed to get Alec to move from his bed to the couch down stairs. He can't exactly remember how she'd done it, probably had Jace pick him up and put him on the couch. Though a part of him thinks that she talked him into going downstairs for something to eat and he only made it to the couch before giving up.

Ever since Jace had found him earlier in the morning neither of his siblings had left him alone. Jace had sat with him in the room while Izzy faked a few phone calls to the school. After a few time they had done this before it was unanimously decided that she is the best one for the job of mimicking their parent's voice.

If Jace left the room for something Izzy would come in and sit on the bed as Alec would stare at whatever position his body had left him in to stare at. Normally it was the ceiling, sometimes the wall across the room. The only time he would actively move himself to look at something else is when he was looking at Izzy, he couldn't see her look this sad it made him feel even worse.

On the couch Alec was left to stare at the T.V., he wasn't really given much choice though. When he was first on the couch he was just lying there look at the ceiling thinking about nothing, just a blank empty numb mind, until Izzy and Jace came in the room. Izzy had lifted his head and made it so he was resting on her lap, then she proceeded to rake her fingers through his hair and start to hum a random tune. Jace on the other hand sat on the floor by his legs and was trying to distract the other two by actively discussing what was on the T.V. in front of them even if he had no idea what was really on.

Alec wasn't really sure what the time was when he started to come back to himself. Soon the numbness began to fade away, and he began to actively take in his surroundings. The feel of Izzy's fingers as she glided her fingers through his hair, occasionally a strand getting caught on her fingers. Her humming voice vibrating throughout her, resonating within himself. He felt Jace at his feet, as he moved himself around trying to get what was on the T.V. and would bump into Alec's feet.

"… So I don't get why they don't cover their arms do you? Because they always get shot in the arm and they go down and everyone screaming 'Man down! Man down! Oh my God what are we going to do!?' when the answer is simple, cover your damn arms!" Jace said, his body flailed back onto the couch as he dramatically reenacted the scene that he was talking about.

"Because then they wouldn't look as cool with all the bullet wounds." Alec said.

Everything in the room froze for a second, and Alec could swear the T.V. had to take a moment to buffer as well, until Izzy let out a huff.

"Well bullet holes do have a certain spark to them." She said

"Yea, maybe I should get one then the ladies will never be able to keep their hands off of me." Jace said, motioning to his whole body as he did so.

"If you're volunteering to be shot I know the perfect place to shot you." Izzy said, more in a biting tone then her last comment.

Alec let out a laugh, he loved his brother and sister. "Izzy don't Jace doesn't need any kind of ego boost or to learn how to do the hurt puppy act, then you'll really want to kill him."

"Fair." She said

"I take offence to that!"

"Good."

"Please don't fight with me in the middle." Alec said, his voice was a bit scratchy and he started to cough after speaking.

"Okay truce for now, do you want some water?" Jace asked.

Alec nodded and Jace got up to presumably grab water as he muttered something about how Izzy could poison even tap water.

"Hey, Alec." Izzy said, her voice quieter from when she was talking to Jace.

"Hm?"

"Are you ok?"

"If I said I was you know I'd be lying." Alec admitted.

"I know, it's just you scared me Alec. Jace said you weren't acting yourself and I thought you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. But this whole day you've been catatonic." Izzy said, and Alec could feel her begin to shake. Her hands and stopped going through his hair and instead she was holding onto him.

"I'm sorry, I just… I don't know any more Izzy. Nothing okay anymore and I don't know what to do." Alec said and felt his eyes begin to sting, he tried to turn his body so Izzy couldn't see him but Izzy's grip was too tight. "I'm your big brother, fuck, I'm supposed to know you shouldn't have to take care of me."

"Sh, Alec it's okay. You're my brother and big o-or little I'm supposed to take care of you because I love you. It's okay you're not okay, because we're gonna get through this. That's what we do, we're Lightwoods we're strong even when we're down we are still strong."

Jace walked back into the room just as Izzy was done talking, Alec couldn't tell whether it was on purpose or not but he knows it takes a bit less time than when he was gone to grab a cup of water.

"So, seeing as all of us have missed class today, no complaints from me school sucks, but I think now is the perfect time to talk about the hard truth." Jace said, his face a mixture of serious and nonchalance.

"What are you going on about with the 'hard truths'?" Izzy asked him.

"Well, honestly now, I need to know… what do you two think of Clary?" Jace asked. Looking back and forth between his adopted siblings.

"Really now? That'sthe 'hard-fucking-truth' you want? You want to know after the day we all just had, our opinions about your little girlfriend?" Izzy said, her voice rising to a shout.

"What's wrong with asking? And she's not my girlfriend, but maybe I just thought it would be a good idea to see what the two people I care most about in the world think about the girl I was going to ask out if she ever accepted. You know what fine, I'm done with my share circle meeting for the day thank you!" Jace shouted back.

"Enough!" Alec snapped, he stood up from his stop and the couch and faced both his siblings "Why are you two always going for each other's throats? Jace she's a fine girl she makes you happy that's all that matter, Izzy it's a harmless question not something to want to kill him over. Now will you both sit down and either talk to each other about why you hate each other so much or go cool off." Alec said, then added "And don't you two dare try to flip this on me, again, I'm not in the mood to talk about my feelings."

"Shocker." Izzy said and rolled her eyes. "Alec Lightwood talking about his feelings, that'll be the day."

"You know what, fine." Alec said before heading to the stairs. He was up and in his room before the shouting started again.

He closed the door behind him before his faced started to melt. The tears that threated earlier were now full streaming down his face. How could everything get so messed up? Everything had been peaceful throughout the whole day and then from nowhere everybody snapped, even himself.

Slowly Alec crawled on the floor and over to his bed. He reached underneath till he felt the familiar texture of the cardboard shoe box. He opened it to the familiar objects, it had been two days since he'd last used it and it seemed like forever ago. He didn't bother to lock the door, he could still here the muffled shouting of Izzy and Jace from downstairs.

He got to work quickly, just wanting to feel that relief he got afterwards, it was sloppy and he was being messy unlike his usual self. He should have been worrying about going to deep or nicking something, but he wasn't. Nothing mattered, he just needed that feeling. It would be better if in this moment he could go back to that nothingness.

Soon enough he knew he had to be done, his whole arm was red either from the blood or irritation. The first aid kit he had restocked was running low again, but it was all cleaned up. He was still bleeding after the burning stopped so he applied some more pressure and butterfly tape till it stopped. He fell asleep in a T-shirt to the sound of Izzy and Jace slamming their respected doors and blasting music.

It was Sundown when Alec woke up from his nap. His head was fuzzy and was aching in the front. He was parched as he hadn't had anything to drink that day. He checked his more recent injuries, they had stopped bleeding and needed to be cleaned, so he did just that.

He turned over in his bed, and listen for anything outside his door. There wasn't any sound, his siblings must have left each other alone. His phone was on his bed side table from where he had left it last night.

He picked it up and checked the time and his messages. He had six unread messages, two phone calls, and a voice mail, that was a new record. He started with the texts the most recent was from Izzy from an hour ago;

_'Buying pizza for dinner at 7 be down here or I'll drag you down.'_

His phone said it was six thirty-two, he had some time before she came kicking and screaming. Next was a text from Jace.

_'Pizza or fast food?'_

Guess that means Izzy choose Pizza. The last four texts were from Magnus. He started texting him in the afternoon, presumably when school was going on.

_'Missing Biology, oh how I wish I could join you?'_

_'Purple or turquoise for tomorrow? I personally like the purple but the turquoise matches with your eyes.'_

There was a long break from the last two texts to the most recent ones.

_'Hope I didn't scare you off, Alexander.'_

_'Are you okay?'_

Alec sighed he probably shouldn't have worries Magnus like that all day, after all the had a, a date tomorrow. He sent him a quick 'Hey sorry' and checked to see who had called him.

His parents. Shit.

The first call was from his mother, no voicemail. The second call from his father is the one that the voice mail is from. Alec takes a deep breath before listing to it.

_"I do hope you're too busy doing something, productive, to answer your mother and I's calls. She wants to let you know we will be out of town this weekend and has placed enough money in your accounts to survive the weekend."_

The voicemail ended with a click instead of a goodbye, or I love you, or anything to state that Robert Lightwood cared about his eldest son. Not that Alec could blame him but he could still hope.

Alec was about to put his phone down and rest again until it buzzed in his hand. It was a text from Magnus.

_'Are you feeling better?'_

Alec figured Magnus thought he was physically ill rather than what had happened so he responded by saying;

_'Yeah I just needed to take a day.'_

Alec put his phone in his pocket after hitting sent and decided it was time for damage control. He grabbed one of his overly large sweaters so cover up the recent damage and moved on out to his door. He had to take a few deep breaths before he could will himself to even open his door.

When he got down stairs he found his brother and sister sitting next to each other asleep with a twenty-dollar bill on the coffee table. He decided it would be a good idea to wrap them up in a blanket, and take a photo, before he waited outside for the pizza so they wouldn't wake up.


	14. This isn't an update, it's an update about updates

6-2-2017 Hello anyone reading this, so the last time I updated this was on the 6th of April in 2016. So well over a year ago. So this summer instead of adding new chapters I will be tearing this thing apart, re plotting most of it (sorry) and eventually taking it down and replacing it with the new, and far improved work.  
I hope most of it goes along the same road I originally had planned (I had everything written down in a notebook with some great jokes, at least I thought they were great when I plotted this in 2012. Yeah... I'm a procrastinator). So if this Highschool AU with so much teen angst still interests any of you (or you'd like me to spell Magnus like "Magnus" and not "MAgnus" [I didn't edit I literally did what I do with all my essays in college, don't look and submit] because I can edit now) check in on this and I will be updating this.  
And to explain why I ever started this and why I even consider writing this still. When I was in middle school I was so bi-phobic. And the worst person I was Bi-phobic to was myself. I was realizing, so slowly, that maybe I was what I thought was okay. Because I was taught being gay was okay, but being bi, or "not picking a side" was wrong and selfish. So naturally when I started to discover my own sexuality I thought that on myself. And I didn't want to talk about it with anyone (how could I tell the very few people I called school friends that I like boys and girls, middle school isn't like that) So in eighth grade my English teacher, in her weekly book recommendation's showed us "City of Bones" and I thought it sounded cool. And enter Bisexual Magnus. Of course there was other thing that have helped me come to terms with my sexuality, I may be Bi AF but I sure do call myself gay a lot, but representation of a freewheeling bisexual sure did help me. And seeing him being fairly treated (as a bisexual) in a healthy and growing relationship on Shadowhunters rather than what I now see as a problematic book (But I still love and appreciate it--so much discourse but I still love it all) is making my heart soar. So really that's why I'm picking this up again--Bi's need love. I started this though because I was, and I think I've had this in a previous authors note?, depressed and things happened. I used Alec to get that out of my system and now I can say I'm coping. I am still depressed, that isn't going to go away, but now I am coping and a semi-functional adult I want to write.  
And so because of the show, because it's pride, and because I deserve to be able to complete something I can call myself proud of I'm going to keep writing this.  
Hope to see you soon  
-TizDeVille

PS This version will be kept up on FanFic dot net. I will not be updating that version as I don't really use that account anymore. So if you want to read the old garbage go there.


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